Captain's Blog

Big Trouble in Little Chinese Restaurant

2010-03-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's the situation. I recently got a job with Dex marketing. Long story short, they shipped me up near Seattle for a month to get training. I know, pretty intense right? I don't think they trained chimpanzees this long when they were being sent to the moon... Yes I did just equate myself with a chimpanzee. Anyways, I'm in a training class of about 30 people. I would say that about 80% of my classmates drink. I can't really blame them because it sounds like a good way to blow off steam after a full 40 hour week of sitting in one chair getting lectured about HR policy. Oh, I've been tempted. But as a non-drinker I must find other ways to let loose. These usually consist of bowling(on the wii), driving fast, or telling off-color jokes. But the way I let off steam last weekend was by doing everyone's favorite white trash past-time....Karaoke!

Our story begins one night at a chinese restaurant called Maple Leaf. After 9:30 they open up the bar/karaoke stage. A group of us Dex employees showed up fashionably early at 9:20 just so we could pick our songs and show off to each other. Now, I wouldn't necessarily say I have a great voice (even though I was in concert choir in high school) but I do enjoy making a fool out of myself. I chose my two songs and nervously waited for my time in the spotlight.

A few people from our group sang first to a crowd of drunks. One member from my class who is very, very white (though nothing compared to my translucense) sang a classic entitled "Nothin but a G Thang." You've gotta appreciate the classics. He did a pretty good job and we all applauded, but out of the corner of my eye I noticed a scary mexican dude giving us the death eye from the other side of the bar. Thanks pal, I'm flattered but spoken for.

Then I got up to sing. My song was Starlight by Muse. I rocked my heart out. My cracking false setto reaffirmed that I should stick to singing in the shower. After the applause I decided to visit the lavatory. On the way to the bathroom the scary mexican dude grabbed my arm and spun me around. "Hey! Hey! That's offensive!" (I was worried he was gonna ask for money... ha!) Honestly I was taken aback as he kept saying "Don't you think that's offensive? Singin' those things?! I'm from L.A. and that's offensive and I'm gonna do something about it!" I really enjoy my face so I quickly said "Hey buddy, I think you have me mistaken me for someone else...I sang a song called starlight...(please don't kill me)" His girlfriend assured him that I wasn't the guy he was looking for and I peed a little before I got to the bathroom (not true).

In the bathroom I told a friend of mine to cool it with the rap. (I broke the cardinal rule of not talking in the bathroom) I told him the story and just my luck, some guy in the stall was a friend of the mexican. He told us that he was always looking for a fight and not to look at him the wrong way. I told him I didn't plan on getting beat up tonight so I'll let everyone know.

I tell everyone else in my group when I got back and they couldn't believe it. After a while I sang again. This time I sang Rufus Wainwright's version of "Hallelujah." Apparently while I was singing, a female classmate of mine got the mexican and his friends kicked out of the bar. Apparently they had previously been kicked out of every bar and club in town. They started threatening this girl and the waitress and they finally left swearing and threatening us, telling us they would wait outside, as me and 3 other guys from my class were singing "Bye, Bye, Bye." Yes, you heard right. Inadvertantly we were bye, bye, bye (with dance moves and all) as a group of villains were kicked out, threatening our lives.

The waitress said when we wanted to leave she would call us a cab and have a cop escort us out. We left about a half hour later and didn't get a cop. But fortunately didn't need one. Suffice it to say that I'm still in one piece but who knew that going to a Karaoke bar in a chinese restaurant could prove so dangerous?

Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

2009-12-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

Mankind have battled since the beginning of time over very controversial beliefs: Religion, land, women, college rivalries, and the ultimate war between cat people and dog people. No, I'm not talking about some sci-fi world where catmen and dogmen hybrids battle to the death, though that is a great idea for my new book. I'm talking about people who love cats and people who love dogs. The only middle ground is for the weird people who are allergic to animal fur or claim to be.

I don't believe in made up statistics but I would say that dog lovers in the world outnumber cat lovers - 60% to 40%. I only think that's the case because of the high population of dog lovers in Korea. The survey didn't specify whether people loved dogs or loved to eat dogs.

You can see where I'm going with this. I refuse to call myself a cat person but I do prefer to own cats. My following arguments will biased and need to be seen as such. Though you all should know that my opinion is basically fact. And you can't have the word "FACT" without "CAT."

Don't get me wrong, I have loved dogs. My family had an Australian Shephard that was named Blue Raider. Blue for short. There are few things better than coming home from school and having the dog jump on you and welcome you home. Blue was a great dog. But Blue was a nightmare for my parents. He constantly crapped on everyone's lawn and chewed everything in sight. (I still miss my ninja turtles) It got so bad that we had to give Blue away. To a ranch, if you can believe it. (More on that in another blog.) This is the primary reason I like cats more. Cats are the Toyota Corolla of the animal world. They require absolutely no maintenance. Where as dogs are the Volvo. For anyone who wants a dog just think about a large golden retriever tongue drooling as it wants to be taken for a walk on a bitter winter night. The cat couldn't care less. All it asks is that you open the door.

Most people argue that dogs are such loving animals. I can see why they believe this falsehood. Cats are smart, like elephants, they remember everything. Dogs are stupid. If you kicked your dog in the head it would come right back to you smiling with its tongue hanging out. Some call that loyalty, I call it stupidity. Is it loyalty when an abused woman repeatedly goes back to her abusive boyfriend? No, it's stupidity. Sorry that was harsh, but do not confuse stupidity with loyalty.

The main reason I am commenting on this heated crisis is because we recently moved into a house with a small backyard. On the other side of our chain-link fence there is a large German Shephard who has apparently claimed the neighborhood as his own. He barks ALL THE TIME! He barks at us if he sees us through our back windows and even if we're in our front yard when he can't see us. Listen folks, if you're gonna own a large barking dog, go live on a farm or somewhere far from me...

If you have a rat or mouse problem, do not worry because your cat will eat all of them. What do dogs eat? Their own poo. Now that's a smart animal. Speaking of smart, what other animal tries to reproduce with your leg?

I know that by saying these things I have started a war, so let it begin...

Big Brother is Watching

2009-10-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Now I don't normally do this, and I don't think this blog will become a political one but something has to be said.

Enough is enough. This is getting silly.

Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Excuse me? He won the what? I expected him to win an Emmy for his many TV appearances, but a Nobel peace prize?! Not that I had much respect for a prize that was rewarded to Al Gore for scaring the locals with global warming, but to a man that has done absolutely nothing in his political career to warrant a flippin' peace prize, I don't get it. Perhaps they should rename it to Nobel pop culture award.

Did the brains in Oslo think "Chicago didn't get the Olympics?! Are you kidding me? Even with Obama, Michelle, and Oprah making the special trip? Unbelievable. We will have to give Barack an award to make up for Copenhagen's folly..." Actually that doesn't sound too far off.

I'm starting to think I deserve a nobel peace prize (I now lowercase the title because it's meaningless). Hey Oslo, last week I opened the door for numerous senior citizens and even let an elderly woman butt in front of me at Walmart.

I know it's kinda ridiculous to be complaining about this when so much harm has been done to this great United States of America. Maybe it's because I was too lazy to blog when he called me a right wing extremist, all because I believe in traditional family values and the value of hard work and independence. Also, I watched and am currently watching a congress who does not have their constituents' interest in mind, try to force-feed a socialized health care bill through and be so unapologetic.

When you look at the nobel prize winning presidents, you shouldn't be too surprised by the most recent victor. Four presidents have received it: Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Jimmy Carter, and now the president of 9 months, Barack Obama. All progressives.

I guess when you go to Europe and apologize for everything America has done wrong, they feel they should give you some sort of award. Why not a BAFTA? (British Academy of Film and Television Arts)

I honestly think he only won because the world sees him as the one who kicked out George W Bush. I'm actually starting to wonder if he bribed the nobel judges with baskets of DVD's or iPods filled with his speeches.

P.S. Will someone tell me what I should be for Halloween...

Pearls before Swine Flu

2009-07-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

So, I know I'm three months too late to be making fun of Swine Flu. Let's just say I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon, I am actually trailing it by miles dragging my feet. I capitalize on it when it's no longer funny anymore.

I don't mean to laugh at an infirmity that people have died from but it would be sad to die from a pig disease. You know that's why they renamed it H1N1 virus. Now, that name means business. It sounds like a chemical element coined by Newton. I can see the conversation up in heaven now.

Saint Peter: Next please!...
Swine Affected Dead: Ummm...Hi, apparently I'm supposed to get passage through these golden gates.
SP: Name please?
SAD: Of course. It's...
SP: Wait was that a cough? Did the swine flu get the best of you?
SAD: Well, technically it was the H1N1 virus.
SP: Give me a break, you're not fooling anyone. You know, there's a reason we didn't allow pork in the olden days.
SAD: Well, can I come in and marvel at the glorious paradise that is prepared for me?
SP: You having swine flu changes everything. I'm gonna have to make you wait in the lobby until it passes.
SAD: That could take an eternity!
SP: Believe me, you've got time.
SAD: Come on, just give me a chance.
SP: Listen pal, the last guy we ran into with swine flu started going off about how he was legion and he ran right off a cliff.
If anyone else in line has recently been to Mexico I'm gonna have to ask you to wait in the lobby as well.

Why do we name flu viruses after animals anyways? The bird flu, the swine flu? We sure like having scapegoats to excuse our bad grooming. For the next big flu "they" (the disease naming people) should give a name with more gravity than the previous two. Something that people will absolutely fear to get.

Spider Flu

I'm going out on a limb and saying that 80% of people are afraid of spiders. This would really be a silent killer. To avoid this flu you would need to stay in well-lit places, out of musty basements. This flu originates in any dark basement where World of Warcraft is played for 21 hours of the day. Warning signs for this environment are blue-lights, blue-light posters, cheetos, iguanas, bean-bag or banana chairs, and a corner of the room dedicated to discarded Mountain Dew cans. Effects of this flu range from beady eyes and long (I'm talkin' daddy long) legs, and a large red dot on the back.

Snake Flu

Nobody likes snakes. I don't like them, nor does Indiana Jones or God. Come on, Lucifer himself was a serpent. I wouldn't put it past him to give us all snake flu. A big warning to all airline passengers out there, the snake flu has been known to take international flights. Personally I always know to look out for the Indian guy playing the flute to a basket and a floating cobra. Effects of this flu will eventually go away as your skin sheds for the first time.

Shark Flu

Way worse than the Spider or Snake flu. Avoid warm water such as tropical reefs, or kiddie pools with a high content of urine. The worst cases of this are the hammerhead shark flu or the great white shark flu. Effects are disastrous at best. Basically your skin will become sandpaper and cut anyone trying to get too close. You become very susceptible to being hit on the nose, and the worst part is that you must keep moving or face certain death.

Look for these flu viruses in the next two years. I want copyrights on all the names. Hopefully "they" don't change them to H867N5309 Flu.

A Rose by any other name...

2009-04-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

So the baby is gonna be here in two very short months. Am I ready? Heavens no! Am I excited? Hell yes! I don't think I'm gonna be ready for the responsibility that awaits me. First off I can't stand the sound of crying. Something about it rubs me the wrong way. Also I'm not the biggest fan of touching poop. Apparently touching poo is a large part of the job of parenting. Also, anyone who knows me knows that I treasure sleep above all else. (If I were Hindu and could be something in my next life, I would be a house cat. Come on! They can sleep 20 hours of the day!) I've heard rumors that babies like to wake up every two hours at night and in turn wake you up. I guess they get hungry or something. Pretty inconsiderate.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I got a new list for baby names. It's from that girl I work with. They are having a girl, thank goodness! See my list of boy names two posts down to find what misfortunes their child would endure. I will say that I'm disappointed in her husband's efforts this time around. It's like he blew his creativity on the first list. Though this list is still pretty fantastic.

I will keep you in suspense no longer.

Aphrodite - The goddess of love, lust, and passion. Good luck spelling this one little girl. Afrodytee maybe?
Athena - Goddess of war. I'm sure she'll be a perfect little calm angel.
Calypso - Wikipedia says calypso is a greek sea nymph, a marvel comics character, and a video game character. That's the triple threat. Why wouldn't he use that name?
Caprice - Like I said before, don't name your kid after your car, especially if it's a mediocre car.
Cassiopeia - Why not just kill the opeia at the end and make it cassie? Though Jenniferopeia has a nice ring to it.
Katriana - Not bad. Though she is bound by law to be a olympic figure skater.
Jasmine - I can show you the world.
Monet - Always make a good impression... get it? impressionism?
Lyla - Got me on my knees lyla.
Maelie - Unique and different, but different is not always good.
Aida - Turns out the dad is not only a huge mythology geek but also loves broadway. Total package!
Serendipity - I've got a good idea, let's give our daughter a name with five syllables!
Sonora - What people with sleep apnea do.
Eliana - Named after Elian Gonzalez, that cuban kid who was rescued from the closet.
Cinderella - Someday her prince Charming will come. Until then she will work as a slave and talk to mice.
Trinity - There is no spoon?
Scarlett - Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Minka - What crazy PETA fans throw red paint on.
Cleopatra - Were you starting to think the names were getting too normal? There have only been two Cleopatra's in history. The queen who killed herself with an asp bite and Miss Cleo, the psychic. It's a win win name for sure.

By the way, I wanna say how hard I worked to get this list of names. The other list was easy, he wrote them all down. This time around there was no copied page. She read the names off of a text he gave her. I did my best to remember all of them. Then when she told someone else at work I got on my computer and typed as fast as she was saying the names. It's possible I might have missed some classic names such as Esmerelda, Jezebel, or Cornucopia.

Hey to all my 5 readers out there! If you like movies and like the sound of my voice (who doesn't), then you need to subscribe to my movie podcast on either iTunes or our website Showtime Showdown. This next week we are doing a massive summer movie preview. It'll be great and if it's not it has a money back guarantee!

Bad Car-ma

2009-03-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Shopping for a car sucks. Yes I know I've already covered this fact, but let me reiterate, it really sucks.

For some reason it was taking my wife and I two months to find a reasonably priced used car that wasn't a PT cruiser. We were desperate but not that desperate.

After giving up the search 13 or 14 times, a miracle happened. I'll give ya some background: We had seen a Malibu Maxx hatchback at a dealership at the beginning our our searching. It was $10,000. Too much for my 1/4 jewish blood. After leaving, I called and offered $9,000. They told me they'd get back to me. Then I received a text from them telling me that they had great news! The text said they will do it for 9,250 and they'll even fill up the gas tank and change the oil!!! Oh happy day! I should really be praising the used car lords for these bounteous gifts!

But something about receiving a text from some slimeball younger than me who wasn't willing to negotiate price rubbed me the wrong way. So I decided that I wasn't willing to buy from Murdock Chevrolet. The search continued...

Two months of dishonest people later and my wife calls me and tells me that the very same Malibu Maxx we offered 9000 for was now being sold for 7400 at the very same dealership. I swallowed my pride and called them up. This is how it went.

Smarmy Salesman: Thanks for calling Murdock Chevrolet where UR the heart of our business, the home of no regrets and honest service! How can I best help you?
Me: Hey I'm calling about the malibu maxx. I actually offered 9000 for it a few months ago and i see it went down in price significantly.
SS: Oh, we'd certainly take 9000 for it now!
Me: I'm sure you would. Anyways, I guess I'm pretty serious about getting a car...
SS: Great! Come on in and I'll get the papers ready!
Me: The only thing is, I want it for 7000... (voice cracking)
SS: Well we are already losing on it...I'm not sure if we can go down any further.
Me: It seems that you've been willing to drop the price already, let's see how much further you can go. (false confidence is prominent at this point)
SS: I'll call you back.

So he calls me back and says for 7200 they can do it. I say "Deal!" I'll be by tonight to sign the papers. I then call my wife telling her the good news and she is pumped. After watching American Idol (shameful) I go to pick up our new car. Before I go i clean out my 1996 Maroon Ford Taurus hoping to get a good trade-in value for it.

I get there and the manager greets me and I give him the low down and he offers me 500 bucks for the Taurus! I'm alright with that. It was either that or donate it to a demolition derby. Then my cheesy salesman I spoke with on the phone came over and said "Well we were gonna pull the car up but someone is buying it right now."

WHAT THE F.........

Yeah, so he tells me that some people came in a half hour ago and are signing the papers now. You have got to be kidding me! Unbelievable! Apparently me calling and saying I'm going to buy it is null and void. They said they will call one of their other dealers and try to get the same car for the same price and call me tomorrow. I left their dealership with basically a check in my pocket and no car I was willing to buy.

They never called. When I called them, they said getting another similar car for that price is unthinkable. Then they tried to sell me other cars. See ya later Murdock. Poor poor job.Now for some great news...We ended up going elsewhere and finding a cool Suzuki XL7! It's awesome. It's too bad that my wife gets to drive it and not me.

P.S. The girl at my work isn't having a boy as previously thought. She's having a girl and she informs me that her husband is working on a list of girl's names. So get ready for another great list. I'll let you in on this little teaser...the best name of the lot is "Trinity." Yep, this'll be fun.

Prick me, do I not Breed

2009-02-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

So my wife is pregnant with our first kid. Apparently all my years of hot tubbing haven't completely sterilized me. Though I am afraid to see what it looks like. Sadly I never think babies are that cute when they are first born. They are always pink and wrinkly, just like when I get out of the hot tub. People think I'm insensitive when I say newborns are gross. Sorry people I don't love the raisin babies. Maybe I will love my own. Maybe.

Oh yeah, we're having a girl, and by "we" I mean "she." Though I might be pregnant by proxy because my belly button is becoming an outtie. Is there a correct spelling for outtie?

So now that we know the gender people come up to us all the time and ask what names we have picked out. We have a few names but my wife doesn't want people to hate on her unborn child just yet. Let's wait until at least Junior High before the criticism begins.

Speaking of baby names...
There is a girl who I work with who is pregnant. She is very sweet and innocent. Her husband on the other hand is a Warcraft lovin' Chauvanist pig J@*#off. I hope she doesn't read this. So this guy is apparently very creative and cannot wait for his son to be born so he can give him an unforgettable name. He wrote them down on a very long list for her, and she brought the list to work so we could all laugh at him. And yes, I'm gonna share the that list with you. (with some added commentary by yours truly.)

I'm not kidding you these are the actual names he wants for a son. 100% factual.

Achilles - Great place to start. He can be such a heel.
Apollo - Creed? 13? the God of Sun?
Atlas - He's got the whole world in his hands.
Atticus - So far this seems normal, if you happen to be in To Kill A Mockingbird.
Augustus - See also caesar
Beowulf - Wow! Really? The child would have legal cause to divorce his parents.
Bishop - Hi, I'm from X-men, oh wait, my dad is just a big dork.
Blade - Whether it be the Wesley Snipes character or not, it will become gay blade.
Bond - The only way the kid will like this is if he's a shaken baby, not stirred.
Bosley - The name of my dog.
Brain - Honestly? No pressure for this kid in classes. Probably not too popular with the ladies.
Brayson - The most normal, possible name of the main character in the next Final Fantasy.
Brick - And he's falling slowly.
Bronco - Please don't name your kids after your cars.
Brutus - Most likely to stab you in the back.
Caesar - Pizza, Pizza. He's a big fan of toga parties.
Constantine - Istanbul was once Constantinople...
Cosmo - Kramer. Also a possible name for a dog.
Cornelius - Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape.
Crispin - How I get my chicken sandwich cooked at Arbys.
Danger - Probably works better as a middle name.
D'artagnan - One of my favorites. How would you shorten that name? Dart?
Decimus - Plenty of greek names on the list. Or should I say geek names.
Desperado - Great, doom the kid to be lonely the rest of his life.
Deuce - Common taunts will be "Drop a deuce" or "deuce bag."
Diablo - Who doesn't want to name their kid the devil, the spanish prince of darkness.
Donatello - does machines...
Dante - Anyone who uses this should suffer in an inferno.
Ebenezer - bless you!
Fagan - Always a good idea to name your kid fag-an. No kids are gonna catch on to that.
Felix - the cat.
Gaddiel - huh?
Gaspar - double huh?
Goliath - I feel bad for this kid who might weigh 56 pounds and wear glasses.
Hannibal - Is there a good connotation for this name?
Hercules - kids at school will beat him up just to say that they beat on Hercules.
Kermit - Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...
Lair - A name that should be kept secret.
Leonardo - leads. The leader of the heroes in a half shell. Turtle power.
Lysander - My avatar name when I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There you have it. Those are the incredible names that this guy wants for his future sons. I could not come up with dorkier names if I tried. It seems that he thinks life is a video game and you can create new characters with awesome names, but the sad truth is that the kids are gonna have to live with Beowulf or Hannibal their entire lives. Cruel and Unusual. Some people should not have the ability to procreate. That list was only A-L, I can't wait to get the M-Z list.

By the way, you all should go to REVIEW SPEW for my review of He's just not that into you. I think it's funny and so should you.

First Runner Up

2009-01-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

When I was in seventh grade "No Fear" shirts were at the height of their popularity. I think we all remember the shirts:

"The clock is counting down. You have the ball. Fast break. Three seconds left. Three point range. 3......2.......1...... No Fear!"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies. No Fear!"

But the slogan that has most resonated in my life is -
"Second place is first loser. No Fear!"

Let's just say it's a running theme with me. Actually scratch that one. Mine would say -
"Last picked in kickball means you're the catcher. No Tears!"

On to the actual story now. Well my wife and I are shopping for a used car. A pleasant experience filled with genuine salesmen. I assure you. So we have been everywhere looking for the perfect second-hand car. One place we looked was a local Mazda dealership. Turns out they were holding a drawing to get 1/2 off a new Mazda 3. Little trendy and high school looking for my taste, but I will sell out to get one half of a car for free.

The raffle began at 10 AM and went till 1 PM. With three hours to kill on a saturday morning. (I'd rather be sleeping, and yes, I can sleep till 1, don't judge me) my wife and I hung out at the Mazda lobby with about 50 other people wanting that 1/2 off.

Looking back, it doesn't really seem like Mazda was willing to give that much.

It finally came time to start the reverse raffle. (for those who don't know, it's basically last man standing) They called numbers and one by one people were eliminated. I could feel that my luck was running out fast and my number would be up. My wife, the optimist, told me to quit spreading negative vibes. (I never knew I married a hippie). People to the left and right of us were getting eliminated. They asked the last 10 remaining people to stand in a line (a shooting gallery if you will) and my wife and I were still in the running.

Our chances were fantastic of winning half of a car. Winning became a possibility now. We had a 1 in 5 chance.

They read off the next number - My wife. Now it was up to me.

They called the next few numbers, and I'm still in the game. They get it down to the final four, final three. final two....No Fear! (I apologize for being ridiculous)

Anyways, it was me and some other kid vying for the win. Every eye was on us. The bald salesman held the fish bowl with our two numbers. He reached his hand in and grabbed a number to eliminate. He reached and looked at the last number, the silence was deafening. I was getting my humble victory face ready. They read the number.

And the winner is.....the other guy...

I shook his hand and my wife and I walked out the door with our tails between our legs. So close but no cigar.

So there ya go. Second best. First runner up.

My wife pointed out that it is very similar to the "D eal or No Deal" saga.

So I wasn't meant to get the mazda. I wouldn't want high school guys checking me out anyways. Until I find a new-used car I will still be driving my brokedown Maroon Ford Taurus which I have affectionately named "Panthor."

The Dork Knight

2008-11-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

Oh...Hey. How's it going?
I feel like I should apologize for not writing for a month. I feel like I'm apologizing to my journal for being so lazy all the time.
Well I have been hard at work, writing regularly and all at a new review site. You should check it out. It's pretty cool. Instead of 10 readers, the site will get 13 with my "fan" base. (singular fan)
You can find it at www.review-spew.com
So go there to find mildy funny, half-truthful reviews on everything from TV shows to Deodorant to Appetizers.

Alright, so Halloween passed a few weeks back and I regret that I didn't blog sooner because it is my favorite holiday and i have an affinity for dressing up. If I could wear a cape every day, I would. (I'm gonna be a creepy old man) My wife made the greatest costume for me. My work which is normally void of personality had a themed superhero day. I'm on the left as Batman by the way.
So pretty sweet costume I know. The other costumes are not too bad either. I was proud of my Adam West style and then I see it... I don't mean to be the biggest perv but what's up with the bat speedo? After further inspection it's apparent that there is a poorly placed shadow behind me and I am an innocent victim of trick photography.
For some reason I am sharing this with other people, why?
Well I am half black. (the lower half apparently)
I really hope my wife doesn't read this blog. (Batman fears no one but his wife)
So for all you weirdos out there, here's a full-fledged picture of Batman in all his glory. Truly it was a day that my taco stains were the least of my embarrassment. Even with embarrassing shots appearing I still think I will wear this costume every year. It's almost as good as my Alvin costume of '04. Almost. Sorry to anyone I've offended with this blog. I try to keep my blogs PG, for Pornography Guaranteed.

Caught ya!

Don't Read This...unless you think kittens are cute

2008-10-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Politics.
What can be more boring or more frustrating?
I am registered to vote where I used to go to college. I really have been meaning to register a little closer to home. Then I see the message that completely turns me off.
I don't know if you guys have seen it, but there is a internet video where celebrities tell you "Don't vote. There's no point."
Let me tell you this you famous rich people, reverse psychology didn't work when my mom used it. It's not gonna work now! The video is about four minutes long and half the time A-listers such as; Ashton Kutcher, Dustin Hoffman, Will.i.am(wyclef jean part 2), Tobey "sorry about the last spiderman movie" mcguire, halle berry(obama's sister?) and plenty more celebs that we should love, continue to say "Don't vote, it's not like you care about your kids' education." After ranting about global warming and gay rights, they tell us that if we really did care, then why don't we vote. Leonardo "nards" Dicrapio tells us that if we were able to watch all of those overpaid hypocrites (not his words) and not register to vote, then there is nothing else that will change our minds.
Unbelievable!
Did I hear that right? Did Leo just give up on me? Have mercy Leo. I do care about the environment, how else can I drill to get gasoline?
The funny thing is that 99 percent of Hollywood are flaming liberals. The 3 conservatives out there are hiding their true selves or are already out of work at this very moment. If you have ever asked the question "Hey, whatever happened to..." Now you know the answer, they came out of the closet and declared themselves Republicans. For Shame! It's straight to DVD for them now.

Why don't these celebrities just say what is really on their minds. Don't vote... for McCain. Wouldn't they feel better if they just let it all out? Do they think that all young people are gonna vote for their candidate? That might actually be the case for college students. I could and will go on about the liberal brainwashing that takes place in our prestigious universities. For another time.

I'm not kidding you about the crazy bias out there! I was watching "Access Hollywood." Don't tell anyone. I love my gossip. They showed a story that described "At home with the Obamas." The future first family is seen laughing and kidding around, and Billy Bush is yukking it up while licking Obama's shoes. The next second they show a preview which says "Coming up next, we look at Sarah Palin and the lies you have never heard." Of course they show the absolute worst picture of Palin they can(one that looks like me in the morning).

Back to the celebrity video. I would not have been surprised to hear when it finally ends. "My name is Barack Obama and I approve this message."

I'm calling you out movie stars. You get ten million bucks a movie. What are you doing? (besides fundraisers for hurricane Katrina. i.e. Bush's fault) Why aren't you giving at least half of your salary to us middle classers you so strongly plead to? I'm sure charities wouldn't mind if you gave up your salary you received for "I am sam." By the way, you are not the biggest humanitarian if you illegally adopt 17 babies from third world countries.

I would like to apologize to my 4 readers for my ranting. I just have so many questions.

Why are movies so good but celebrities such morons?

Who are these closet-conservative celebrities?

- I'm thinking Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford, and possibly Keanu Reeves. Keep it in the closet guys.

Is there one joke in this blog?

Anyways, I'm gonna take Sarah Silverman's advice and not register.

I don't mind being a sloth.

School and Crossbones!

2008-09-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'm back. For the most part anyways. I have been a major slacker for the past month. All this blog-sloth is due to being back in school.
College is back and ready for revenge. Thank goodness this is my last year in school. (Fingers crossed). I have been a faithful college attender for the past decade. I have given universities so much of my (and my mom's) personal money, that they are going to dedicate the new school library in my name. If we want to break it down: I was a college freshman for 2 years, a sophomore for 4 years, a junior for 2 years, and this year will finish my second year as a Senior. Three words: Ten Year Plan. You got it. Ten years from high school graduation to my college graduation. I'm not saying I'm an overachiever, but being able to accomplish something normal people do in 4 years in ten years makes me pretty special.
So let's talk about this. Where does all the money for Tuition and books and parking tickets go? People are in arms about gas prices, when universities are the real greed terrorists. Why does it cost 500-600 dollars for every class? If you do the math, let's say there are 30 students in one class that they paid 500 for. That is $15,000 just for that class! And these professors teach that class probably 4 times in that semester. How much are these universities skimming off the top.
Secondly- Bend over kids, its time to go to the bookstore and get all the essential textbooks for class! For a book that is the equivalent size of 3 magazines - $148. And that's used! How can it possibly cost so much for 300 pages of anything. I don't know if I would pay $148 for a gold leaf page book. Now if it were a book made out of caramel, that would be a different story. And a delicious story at that. But think to yourself, how do they get away with that? Do we all pay the exorbitant amount of money and not think we're getting duped, because if they did try to scam us, they would never be as crazy to believe we'd pay that much for a lie. But here we are, maxing out our credit cards for a book we will only use to cram for tests the night before and only be able to sell back for $26, if we can sell them back at all! (That was a long sentence)

Get this, last semester I attempted to sell a book back that I had bought for $90. This is that conversation.

Me: (smiling, hoping to get more money by doing so) Hey, how are you doing today?

Clerk girl: ... (Just stares at the book in my hands)

Me: Oh, here ya go.

Clerk girl: (Looks at her computer and clicks a few times aimlessly on her mouse)....

Me: So how's work going today?

Clerk girl: good. (is she saying that in response to my question or because the screen just told her that she owes me no money?)

Me: So what's the damage?

Clerk girl: Actually (she says with a grin) this book isn't being used anymore, and we aren't buying it back.

Me: Serious? Even after how nice I have been? Thanks anyways.

Clerk girl: But if you want to donate it to the bookstore we will take it off of your hands.

Me: Fine. I just want to get rid of it then. (I leave)

True story. And what book do I find they are using for the same class the next semester? The exact same edition I gave up for free to the deceptive clerk vixen. Bamboozled! Hey kids, don't let it happen to you. Hold on to that 17th edition of Nutrition basics, because you never know when it will get you 20 bucks in the future.

Better Dead Than Read

2008-08-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

If you have tried watching NBC at all lately to catch the latest Conan O'Brien, or for those low-brow readers "America's Got Talent," you may have noticed multiple ethnicities swinging on bars, throwing disci (plural discuses), jumping off the high dives, etc. Yes, it's time once again for the Olympics.
I actually love watching the Olympics. They are full of broken world records and failures. Good drama. Let's not forget how great Michael Phelps has done. He has single handedly given the U.S. half of its gold medals.
So to start with my rant on the olympics, let's talk about China. So I'm not the biggest fan of China or communism, for that matter. China's lack of consideration for human life is pretty despicable. That said, they will probably be the biggest superpower in the world in the near future. Funny thing though, they have actually treated Americans pretty respectably, more so than any European(see also Euro-Trash) country would.
So China is killing the U.S. in the gold medal count, and their athletes seem invincible. I'm pretty sure they are robots who cannot be beaten. (All those robots look the same to me) Kudos to them for doing so awesome, though a part of me sees the turn of the tide from Chinese Olympic victory towards Chinese world victory. Now don't get me wrong about China. Some of the coolest things have come from there: Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Stephen Chow movies (Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer), and Bruce Lee.
Funny how all those guys are involved with Martial Arts. Funny how much I generalize.
But let's not forget China's greatest contribution to the world - Sharing! It is a little known fact that sharing was invented by the Chinese. If you are calling me crazy right now, then think of the last time you had Chinese food and shared it with your friends/family. And let's not forget that it is a communist country.

Communism = Forced Sharing

"Chinese food is the most virtuous of all foods" - Buddha

Ok, now this leads me to why I wanted to write about the Beijing Olympics in the first place. So Chinese athletes are so disciplined, often starting their olympic training at the age of 14 months, then competing at age 5 1/2. (as seen in women's gymnastics this year) Being this disciplined and having the conspiracy theory mind I have, I often think that the government has enforced them to train so rigorously. When they win the gold they are so happy in their triumphs and are rewarded for their dedication to their country. (The reward being that their family is freed and not killed) But I often look to those Chinese olympians who receive a mere silver medal. They never have a happy look on their face. Never. I have a feeling that the olympians who get a silver medal walk off the medal podium and go straight to the execution chamber. Those athletes who win bronze are slowly tortured till death. Just a crazy thought but I'm pretty sure I'm right. You can see it in their robotic faces.

Give Pizza Chance...

2008-08-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

The world is changing. And not necessarily for the better. I don't like to complain about gas prices because it is useless to complain about things you have no control of, but the other day I was filling up my $50 plus gas tank, and the song playing on the gas station radio was Shania Twain's "Up." I kid you not. The lyrics mocked me. The song goes, "up, up, up, it only goes up from here!" Unbelievable!
So, with the world going to pot with a bad economy, rising milk prices, rising big gulp prices, etc. The one true constant in the world is...Little Caesars Pizza. For 5 dollars, you can receive a semi-fresh(by semi-fresh I mean sitting under a bug zapper for 8 1/2 hours) cheese or pepperoni pizza. What a deal!
Now I am one of the few who stands in defense of Little Caesars pizza. The opponents cry out that "it tastes like cardboard." To them I first ask how exactly they know that. Secondly, personally I would pay five dollars for a round slice of cardboard as long as it was coated with delicious marinara and pepperoni. I mean, come on people! It is a balanced, 10 slice meal for 5 bucks! A word to the wise, when ordering your pizza make friends with the cashier. Smile as you walk up to the counter, but not too much, you don't want to creep them out. Then make a subtle jab at the person who ordered in front of you and how they wanted the freshest 4 hour old pizza and how they ordered hot wings. (In the history of man, 7 people have ordered hot wings at Little Caesars, none were satisfied) They only keep up the rest of the menu to make it look like they offer a grand selection. Truth be told, they only make cheese and pepperoni pizza, and bacon pizza if you're nice to them. Oh, and let's not forget the manna from seventh heaven, Crazy Bread. Beautiful stuff. I could never do the dearly departed Atkins diet because of my healthy doses of crazy bread. If there was a diet that consisted of only eating crazy bread I would do it in a second. I can't wait for the Fatkins diet. I digress, if you're nice to the cashier, you will get the pizza that isn't covered in Acne Juice and won't get the crazy bread that has been dropped and rolled on the ground. You can't taste the difference if you do get those, but it's worth it to believe that you received unspoiled goods.
So once again I state that in this world of uncertainty where inflation is merciless and prices for everything go up by the day, it is helpful to retreat to something that hasn't gone up in price for a decade and won't for another decade. Let's just hope that pepperoni pizza hasn't been under the zapper for a decade.

The Only Thing To Fear is... Sharks!

2008-07-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

In honor of Shark Week on the Discovery channel, I would like to tell you all about my greatest fear - Sharks. It's a known fact that sharks are the scariest thing on this planet. They are monsters in the literal form. I honestly feel that when God decided to take monsters from the earth, he thought "Well, let's get rid of the dinosaurs, dragons, yetis,.....hmmm, I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. Ah well." Meanwhile the great white shark hid below the dark blue; laughing.
Don't get me wrong, I love the ocean. If I ever learned how to swim I might actually go out past my waist. But I know that when I die, it will be by shark attack. It's said that a person is more likely to be struck by lightning three times than be attacked by a shark. (made up statistic) Well, I have been hit by lightning twice already, so I'm not really liking my odds on the whole getting eaten alive thing. Ever since I was a kid I have feared what was waiting for me in the water. I'm not even talking about the ocean. Even in large pools I got nervous that I would be dragged under by the serrated teeth, and I would look down into the red water and see the empty dolls eyes of the beast pulling me under. The fear still follows me even in freshwater lakes. Yes, I know that great whites could not survive in fresh water, but as I fall off the dinghy and am treading water I watch for the fin rising out of the water headed in my grave direction. So, I guess you could say I'm a little paranoid.
Shark movies such as Jaws and Open Water have not helped me overcome this fear at all. Like many of you, I blame Jaws for giving birth to my fear. Maybe it's due to the fact that I watched Jaws 3 (you remember, the one at Sea World) every Saturday afternoon, though that movie is more of a comedy than the others. The worst is the time that I scuba dived in Cancun, I don't know why I agreed to do it. There is nothing comforting about being 50 feet under and knowing that the only thing keeping you alive is a breathing pattern, and plugging your nose every three feet. Add to that, you are completely surrounded by the blue unknown. Don't worry, I couldn't enjoy looking down at the coral sea life. If I wasn't getting kicked in the head by someone struggling to swim in their flippers, I was always surveying the area around me, looking for a silver point slowly coming towards me in the distance, greedily smiling, thinking to itself "Ah Major, I've been waiting for you!" Meanwhile I would have been slowly swimming to the surface as to avoid getting the bends. Fortunately I did not have such an encounter but my air tank only lasted me twenty minutes when it would last a normal non-panicking person, who wasn't breathing like darth vader, an hour. For those of you who are afraid of spiders and snakes and mock my paranoia of something that will most likely never happen, I say this, Seventy percent of the earth is water. The sharks are hungry. And if Al Bore is right about this global warming myth, then the polar ice caps are melting and you better learn how to swim...fast!

...and to all a Good Knight!

2008-07-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The other night I went to see a movie that I have been waiting three years for. (No, not Mamma Mia, but that was incredible too) The Dark Knight finally came out and I was lucky enough to have a ticket for the midnight show. As it turns out, it was not just a private screening for me and the smelly 30 year olds who were bound to be there. Apparently the people who I detested in high school (the ones that consistently "pants'd" me, the jocks) were all there in droves. Who knew that Batman had such mass appeal. Not only that, they brought girls there too! Though I'm not sure they were big fans of the movie because all they did the whole time was talk to each other loudly (i.e. the row sitting behind me). I would not let others distract me from the prime spot from which I was enjoying the movie. Second row on an Imax screen! Things could not get better, louder, or closer than that! My neck is still sore from constantly scanning the screen and counting the moles on maggie gylenhall's face. 17, by the way.

So, as for all the naysayers out there who didn't think a movie could possibly live up to such lofty expectations, I say "for shame!" How could you not believe in Batman. I never doubted him for a second. Apparently I'm not the only one who liked the film, I guess it made a little bit of money. Let's just hope they don't jump the shark and hurry and make another "Batman & Robin" to cash in. I don't mind waiting another three years if they take the time and effort to make such a great experience. I am patient when it comes to "geeking out." Hmmm...geeking out sounds a little like "making out." But you would be surprised that it is actually the furthest thing from it, I know I am. Though both can be considered sins if they are taken too far. But I digress...

For all who have not had the chance to witness this dark, riveting film, they should call in sick for the rest of the day (the movie is about that long) and go straight to the theater. The movie is without flaws. For some 2 1/2 hours is incredibly long, but I wish it could have gone on longer. Bale is great, and sadly gives center stage to the rest of the cast, but they do not disappoint at all. Ledger gives a performance that is unrecognizable and will haunt my dreams for years to come. Eckhart is great as Harvey Dent, who the movie centers around. If you can't tell, I guess you could say I liked the film.

Here's a question for you diary, do you think that Bill Gates has ever wondered if he could become Batman with all the money he has. Sure he has given millions to charities, but they sound a lot like lost causes. (MS, Jerry's kids, etc.) Instead he could be fighting crime and cleaning up the streets of the panhandlers that I always give a dollar to because they give me a judgmental look and I feel guilty. (that dollar could have bought me a Big Gulp) No one would ever know that Batman was Bill Gates. I mean, look at the guy. And maybe, just maybe, if he is reading this right now and makes the ultimate choice to be the caped crusader, I would keep his secret.

Oh by the way, the Dark Knight is just as good the second time around, and getting pants'd for the second time in a week is just as humiliating.

Heart,

Major Undeclared

Don't rain on my parade

2008-07-05T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was the Fourth of July. Good times had by all in a holiday full of great American traditions such as parades, bbq's, and fireworks. I tend to think of myself as very patriotic. I love the country I live in and am thankful everyday I'm not living in the 14th century in a place such as the middle east. But being so cynical I don't really get into many of the festivities. We were lucky enough to wake up earlier than reasonable and fight traffic to get to a local parade. Keep in mind that parades are clearly meant for those actually in them (their local fifteen minutes/fifteen miles per hour of fame), and for children under the age of 11.

So, we get there and I find myself standing in the unforgiving independence day sun. I never knew the sun could be so scorching at 9 in the morning! I am standing because apparently the parade die-hards have previously placed their rows of chairs in the grass and shade three days earlier. In all my sweating shiny glory I am praying that I don't see some random acquaintance that I gratefully haven't seen since high school. Who doesn't love the game of "Hey, what'cha been up to?" and "Let me get your number and we'll have to do something." Likely story. One of the first things I notice in the parade is the constant barrage of taffy being thrown mercilessly to the awaiting throngs of children willing to shove their little sister under a float for that peppermint taffy. I couldn't help but laugh as these large groups of children are on their hands and knees to pick up taffy and they are pelted in the head by the next barrage of taffy. I swear to you that I saw at least three children fall on the ground due the "drive-by taffying." As I see this free candy being thrown I can't help but think that Taffy isn't very good. Yes, it may be a guilty pleasure much like candy corn, but it still isn't very good. So I've come to the conclusion that the only reason that Salt Water Taffy is able to stay in business is the immense sales that it receives during the 4th of July weekend. What's that you say? You have Salt Water Taffy in your cupboard months past July? Yes, those are remaining uneaten taffy left over from the 4th. Another thing that makes me laugh inside are when floats drive by and no one is really clapping or waving from the sides of the parade anymore, but somebody in the crowd feels pity for those driving by staring awkwardly and they cheer and clap too loudly, but it is all for not, because they are still the only ones clapping, but at least they get waved at. For example, I live in a predominantly LDS community, and there were a few floats/trucks with banners from the Episcopal and Lutheran churches. The silence was deafening. I felt so bad that these people were getting no love and almost, I say almost, brought my hands to a clap, but thankfully a larger woman on a rascal with her own collection of taffy in her basket, presumably a member of that faith, clapped first and took a fraction of the tension away. Ha, classic. And let's not forget the 29 year old guy, you know the one, he played a lot of hacky sack in high school, who has the unusual talents of riding ten feet high unicycle and can juggle flaming bowling pins at the same time. He was there too, clown nose and all. When else would he be able to use his skills if there were not an Independence Day Parade. God Bless America!

Ice to meet you...

2008-07-01T21:07:00.001-07:00

So, I just got tickets to The Dark Knight for the midnight show the night before it releases. I try not to "nerd out" too much, but for an even such as this, it's hard not to pull out the second-hand faded Batman shirt I bought my sophomore year in high school (which didn't fit even then) and wear it every day in anticipation. I have a feeling that it could beat out my favorite movie "Bring it on" and take its rightful place at the top. Though, as I think of how great this movie could be and Batman Begins was, I think of Batman's tarnished past. The atrocities that were Batman Forever & especially Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin was amazingly terrible. And not even entertaining terrible. Awful cast, awful costumes, and an awful disservice to Batman himself. First off, George "Bobble Head" Clooney as Batman? Come on! Yeah I guess the ladies like him, but I'm pretty sure Batman movies are not being marketed to any demographic other than the 13-48 year old, cheeto eatin', profusive sweatin', halo playin' geeks. Now, don't get me wrong about Arnold Swarzennegger, I love the guy, he's pretty hilarious(see also 'punching a camel in Conan the Barbarian'). And yes, I love puns, in fact I think it's a dying art. So you think throwing those two in that cinematic blender would be stuff of legend, but sadly Arnie playing Mr. Freeze is dreadful. Though, I do giggle like a school girl when I hear him say "Cool party." and "Chill out." Comic gold! As for the costumes, since when does the dark knight need rubber nipples on his outfit? Do they invoke fear among criminals? Possibly they give him better aerodynamics, while gliding to save gay robin.

Batman is the coolest comic book character ever. It's rumored that he even beat Chuck Norris in a fight. It is a good thing that the recent movies have kept a darker tone, no need for the flourescent lights and glow-stick raver bummers(see also gays) in the previously mentioned Batman movies.

I could probably go on about this for a while, but it seems I've already outed myself as King Dork, so if you'll excuse me I'm gonna be wiping cheeto crumbs from my keyboard.

Twilight's Last Glare

2008-06-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have noticed an unfortunate trend in the battle of the sexes lately. Women, who, in time, learn to live a complacent life with their lazy, unaware husbands/boyfriends have learned that apparently they are living with non-romantic slobs. They have found the object of their affection in a fictional character. Women have been doing this throughout time; Romeo, Fabio, Mr. Darcy, and now Edward. Edward is the vampire who has all the right moves in the Twilight series of books and forthcoming films. Women of all ages, from 12 to married 42 year olds have been swooned by "the perfect man." Keep in mind that he is like 118 and the girl in the book is 16. Hmmm... I'm pretty sure pedophilia is illegal even if you're immortal. The main draw for women is the passion that Edward feels for Bella. First he wants to kill her, then he wants to love her. Let's not forget that he watches her sleep. Is that romantic? Last time I did that I was arrested and spent a week in jail. I can see how women love that Edward is always thinking of Bella and caresses her face and whispers sweet nothings in the meadow. I got news for ya ladies, you're gonna have to take a trip to transylvania for that kind of guy.

Every girl who I have talked to who has read the book (all girls), have told me that while they were reading the books they hated their husbands because Edward made them see just how they want to be treated. I would not be surprised if Twilight is reported to be the main cause of divorce next year, beating out financial problems. Now if you'll excuse me I am gluing crystals onto my face so I can walk out in the sun and the women will desire me as they do Edward...or at least Fabio.

You can't handle the Tooth!

2008-06-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I'm the 497th person to complain about this but let me share with you, for a moment, my thoughts on people with the lovely decoration of the bluetooth covering their ear. Few inventions in the world have made people look more crazy and more arrogant. (except for maybe those stupid scooters that GOB rides around in Arrested Development) It has never been socially accepted for people to be seen talking to themselves. Do it in your own house, fine - we all do; but in public? For shame! Well apparently there is not a social stigma about it anymore, because if you do see someone on the side of the road, flinging their arms around and blabbing to themselves, there is a good chance that that hobo got a new bluetooth, paid for by their welfare check. The most annoying thing is when people who don't get calls constantly wear their bluetooth nonetheless. Maybe in hopes that if they wear it, their friends/drug dealers will give them a ring. I had a class with a kid who knew very well that you can't answer your phone in class, yet he wore that blasted tooth every day, like it was a fashion accessory or something. Listen people, it's not like a bluetooth is a new pair of Girbauds or anything. (1994 shoutout) Often at work I will approach a customer to help them, and they will say "Hey, how's it going man?!" To that I will be surprised by their friendliness and respond, "Pretty good, thanks!" They then look at me like I'm the crazy person and carry on the conversation they were starting by asking the person on the phone how it's going. So apparently I'm the one talking to myself. Just Great! Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a call on my hands-free ear phone.

Seeing Red!....box

2008-05-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Let me say this first. I am as cheap as they come. For those of you with dirty minds, clean 'em up right now. I mean monetarily, not physically. (though this one time at band camp...) If I can save a few dollars and sacrifice quality, I most likely will. Though trying to save money can be more trouble than it's worth. I regret calling myself a frequent visitor to the video rental kiosk located at your nearest Mcdonald's called redbox. For those of you who may be uninformed(see also ignorant), redbox is a a dvd vending machine that lets you rent a movie for one day for only a dollar. What a deal, right? It would be if normal, well-groomed people with an ounce of common sense used it.

Because a great majority of people in this world are dim-witted, and cannot deal well in social situations, the redbox is perfect for them. The draw for these "redbox regulars" is the simple fact of having absolutely no face-to-face interaction with anyone, especially if it means going to blockbuster and being helped by an acne-ridden sixteen year old or a 37 year old film buff who owns all of the original star wars action figures in their original packaging. But I digress, one of the many problems with these redbox regulars is when a normal person such as I stand behind them to return a movie. All I need to do is return the movie in the slot and I can be on my way, well apparently the person standing in front of me has never heard of any movies, because they are looking closely at every cover and clicking on them to read the plot summary. Unbelievable! Seriously! Just because "There will be blood" is titled as such, does not mean it's the soft-core horror movie they were hoping to rent tonight. As if looking through every plot summary is bad enough, they then have to slide their overdrawn credit card and input their email. (i.e. redneckslutangel27@yahoo.com) Keep in mind, these people are the ones standing in front of you at sam's club buying wine in a box and a case of Heineken, sliding their card wrong seven times in a row. So after all the choosing the movie and inputting all their "stolen" information, they finally get their movie and I breathe a sigh of relief and start shuffling forward to take my rightful spot, but NO, they have decided they want another movie and start the process again. You may think I am kidding but it took me twenty minutes to RETURN a movie yesterday! Twenty minutes! As a disclaimer, yes, i know it's my fault for frequenting redbox but what can I say, I'm cheap.