A Rose by any other name...

So the baby is gonna be here in two very short months. Am I ready? Heavens no! Am I excited? Hell yes! I don't think I'm gonna be ready for the responsibility that awaits me. First off I can't stand the sound of crying. Something about it rubs me the wrong way. Also I'm not the biggest fan of touching poop. Apparently touching poo is a large part of the job of parenting. Also, anyone who knows me knows that I treasure sleep above all else. (If I were Hindu and could be something in my next life, I would be a house cat. Come on! They can sleep 20 hours of the day!) I've heard rumors that babies like to wake up every two hours at night and in turn wake you up. I guess they get hungry or something. Pretty inconsiderate.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I got a new list for baby names. It's from that girl I work with. They are having a girl, thank goodness! See my list of boy names two posts down to find what misfortunes their child would endure. I will say that I'm disappointed in her husband's efforts this time around. It's like he blew his creativity on the first list. Though this list is still pretty fantastic.

I will keep you in suspense no longer.

Aphrodite - The goddess of love, lust, and passion. Good luck spelling this one little girl. Afrodytee maybe?
Athena - Goddess of war. I'm sure she'll be a perfect little calm angel.
Calypso - Wikipedia says calypso is a greek sea nymph, a marvel comics character, and a video game character. That's the triple threat. Why wouldn't he use that name?
Caprice - Like I said before, don't name your kid after your car, especially if it's a mediocre car.
Cassiopeia - Why not just kill the opeia at the end and make it cassie? Though Jenniferopeia has a nice ring to it.
Katriana - Not bad. Though she is bound by law to be a olympic figure skater.
Jasmine - I can show you the world.
Monet - Always make a good impression... get it? impressionism?
Lyla - Got me on my knees lyla.
Maelie - Unique and different, but different is not always good.
Aida - Turns out the dad is not only a huge mythology geek but also loves broadway. Total package!
Serendipity - I've got a good idea, let's give our daughter a name with five syllables!
Sonora - What people with sleep apnea do.
Eliana - Named after Elian Gonzalez, that cuban kid who was rescued from the closet.
Cinderella - Someday her prince Charming will come. Until then she will work as a slave and talk to mice.
Trinity - There is no spoon?
Scarlett - Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Minka - What crazy PETA fans throw red paint on.
Cleopatra - Were you starting to think the names were getting too normal? There have only been two Cleopatra's in history. The queen who killed herself with an asp bite and Miss Cleo, the psychic. It's a win win name for sure.


By the way, I wanna say how hard I worked to get this list of names. The other list was easy, he wrote them all down. This time around there was no copied page. She read the names off of a text he gave her. I did my best to remember all of them. Then when she told someone else at work I got on my computer and typed as fast as she was saying the names. It's possible I might have missed some classic names such as Esmerelda, Jezebel, or Cornucopia.

Hey to all my 5 readers out there! If you like movies and like the sound of my voice (who doesn't), then you need to subscribe to my movie podcast on either iTunes or our website Showtime Showdown. This next week we are doing a massive summer movie preview. It'll be great and if it's not it has a money back guarantee!

Bad Car-ma

Shopping for a car sucks. Yes I know I've already covered this fact, but let me reiterate, it really sucks.

For some reason it was taking my wife and I two months to find a reasonably priced used car that wasn't a PT cruiser. We were desperate but not that desperate.

After giving up the search 13 or 14 times, a miracle happened. I'll give ya some background: We had seen a Malibu Maxx hatchback at a dealership at the beginning our our searching. It was $10,000. Too much for my 1/4 jewish blood. After leaving, I called and offered $9,000. They told me they'd get back to me. Then I received a text from them telling me that they had great news! The text said they will do it for 9,250 and they'll even fill up the gas tank and change the oil!!! Oh happy day! I should really be praising the used car lords for these bounteous gifts!

But something about receiving a text from some slimeball younger than me who wasn't willing to negotiate price rubbed me the wrong way. So I decided that I wasn't willing to buy from Murdock Chevrolet. The search continued...

Two months of dishonest people later and my wife calls me and tells me that the very same Malibu Maxx we offered 9000 for was now being sold for 7400 at the very same dealership. I swallowed my pride and called them up. This is how it went.

Smarmy Salesman: Thanks for calling Murdock Chevrolet where UR the heart of our business, the home of no regrets and honest service! How can I best help you?
Me: Hey I'm calling about the malibu maxx. I actually offered 9000 for it a few months ago and i see it went down in price significantly.
SS: Oh, we'd certainly take 9000 for it now!
Me: I'm sure you would. Anyways, I guess I'm pretty serious about getting a car...
SS: Great! Come on in and I'll get the papers ready!
Me: The only thing is, I want it for 7000... (voice cracking)
SS: Well we are already losing on it...I'm not sure if we can go down any further.
Me: It seems that you've been willing to drop the price already, let's see how much further you can go. (false confidence is prominent at this point)
SS: I'll call you back.

So he calls me back and says for 7200 they can do it. I say "Deal!" I'll be by tonight to sign the papers. I then call my wife telling her the good news and she is pumped. After watching American Idol (shameful) I go to pick up our new car. Before I go i clean out my 1996 Maroon Ford Taurus hoping to get a good trade-in value for it.

I get there and the manager greets me and I give him the low down and he offers me 500 bucks for the Taurus! I'm alright with that. It was either that or donate it to a demolition derby. Then my cheesy salesman I spoke with on the phone came over and said "Well we were gonna pull the car up but someone is buying it right now."

WHAT THE F.........

Yeah, so he tells me that some people came in a half hour ago and are signing the papers now. You have got to be kidding me! Unbelievable! Apparently me calling and saying I'm going to buy it is null and void. They said they will call one of their other dealers and try to get the same car for the same price and call me tomorrow. I left their dealership with basically a check in my pocket and no car I was willing to buy.

They never called. When I called them, they said getting another similar car for that price is unthinkable. Then they tried to sell me other cars. See ya later Murdock. Poor poor job.Now for some great news...We ended up going elsewhere and finding a cool Suzuki XL7! It's awesome. It's too bad that my wife gets to drive it and not me.

P.S. The girl at my work isn't having a boy as previously thought. She's having a girl and she informs me that her husband is working on a list of girl's names. So get ready for another great list. I'll let you in on this little teaser...the best name of the lot is "Trinity." Yep, this'll be fun.

Prick me, do I not Breed

So my wife is pregnant with our first kid. Apparently all my years of hot tubbing haven't completely sterilized me. Though I am afraid to see what it looks like. Sadly I never think babies are that cute when they are first born. They are always pink and wrinkly, just like when I get out of the hot tub. People think I'm insensitive when I say newborns are gross. Sorry people I don't love the raisin babies. Maybe I will love my own. Maybe.

Oh yeah, we're having a girl, and by "we" I mean "she." Though I might be pregnant by proxy because my belly button is becoming an outtie. Is there a correct spelling for outtie?

So now that we know the gender people come up to us all the time and ask what names we have picked out. We have a few names but my wife doesn't want people to hate on her unborn child just yet. Let's wait until at least Junior High before the criticism begins.

Speaking of baby names...
There is a girl who I work with who is pregnant. She is very sweet and innocent. Her husband on the other hand is a Warcraft lovin' Chauvanist pig J@*#off. I hope she doesn't read this. So this guy is apparently very creative and cannot wait for his son to be born so he can give him an unforgettable name. He wrote them down on a very long list for her, and she brought the list to work so we could all laugh at him. And yes, I'm gonna share the that list with you. (with some added commentary by yours truly.)

I'm not kidding you these are the actual names he wants for a son. 100% factual.

Achilles - Great place to start. He can be such a heel.
Apollo - Creed? 13? the God of Sun?
Atlas - He's got the whole world in his hands.
Atticus - So far this seems normal, if you happen to be in To Kill A Mockingbird.
Augustus - See also caesar
Beowulf - Wow! Really? The child would have legal cause to divorce his parents.
Bishop - Hi, I'm from X-men, oh wait, my dad is just a big dork.
Blade - Whether it be the Wesley Snipes character or not, it will become gay blade.
Bond - The only way the kid will like this is if he's a shaken baby, not stirred.
Bosley - The name of my dog.
Brain - Honestly? No pressure for this kid in classes. Probably not too popular with the ladies.
Brayson - The most normal, possible name of the main character in the next Final Fantasy.
Brick - And he's falling slowly.
Bronco - Please don't name your kids after your cars.
Brutus - Most likely to stab you in the back.
Caesar - Pizza, Pizza. He's a big fan of toga parties.
Constantine - Istanbul was once Constantinople...
Cosmo - Kramer. Also a possible name for a dog.
Cornelius - Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape.
Crispin - How I get my chicken sandwich cooked at Arbys.
Danger - Probably works better as a middle name.
D'artagnan - One of my favorites. How would you shorten that name? Dart?
Decimus - Plenty of greek names on the list. Or should I say geek names.
Desperado - Great, doom the kid to be lonely the rest of his life.
Deuce - Common taunts will be "Drop a deuce" or "deuce bag."
Diablo - Who doesn't want to name their kid the devil, the spanish prince of darkness.
Donatello - does machines...
Dante - Anyone who uses this should suffer in an inferno.
Ebenezer - bless you!
Fagan - Always a good idea to name your kid fag-an. No kids are gonna catch on to that.
Felix - the cat.
Gaddiel - huh?
Gaspar - double huh?
Goliath - I feel bad for this kid who might weigh 56 pounds and wear glasses.
Hannibal - Is there a good connotation for this name?
Hercules - kids at school will beat him up just to say that they beat on Hercules.
Kermit - Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...
Lair - A name that should be kept secret.
Leonardo - leads. The leader of the heroes in a half shell. Turtle power.
Lysander - My avatar name when I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There you have it. Those are the incredible names that this guy wants for his future sons. I could not come up with dorkier names if I tried. It seems that he thinks life is a video game and you can create new characters with awesome names, but the sad truth is that the kids are gonna have to live with Beowulf or Hannibal their entire lives. Cruel and Unusual. Some people should not have the ability to procreate. That list was only A-L, I can't wait to get the M-Z list.

By the way, you all should go to REVIEW SPEW for my review of He's just not that into you. I think it's funny and so should you.

First Runner Up

When I was in seventh grade "No Fear" shirts were at the height of their popularity. I think we all remember the shirts:

"The clock is counting down. You have the ball. Fast break. Three seconds left. Three point range. 3......2.......1...... No Fear!"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies. No Fear!"

But the slogan that has most resonated in my life is -
"Second place is first loser. No Fear!"

Let's just say it's a running theme with me. Actually scratch that one. Mine would say -
"Last picked in kickball means you're the catcher. No Tears!"

On to the actual story now. Well my wife and I are shopping for a used car. A pleasant experience filled with genuine salesmen. I assure you. So we have been everywhere looking for the perfect second-hand car. One place we looked was a local Mazda dealership. Turns out they were holding a drawing to get 1/2 off a new Mazda 3. Little trendy and high school looking for my taste, but I will sell out to get one half of a car for free.

The raffle began at 10 AM and went till 1 PM. With three hours to kill on a saturday morning. (I'd rather be sleeping, and yes, I can sleep till 1, don't judge me) my wife and I hung out at the Mazda lobby with about 50 other people wanting that 1/2 off.

Looking back, it doesn't really seem like Mazda was willing to give that much.

It finally came time to start the reverse raffle. (for those who don't know, it's basically last man standing) They called numbers and one by one people were eliminated. I could feel that my luck was running out fast and my number would be up. My wife, the optimist, told me to quit spreading negative vibes. (I never knew I married a hippie). People to the left and right of us were getting eliminated. They asked the last 10 remaining people to stand in a line (a shooting gallery if you will) and my wife and I were still in the running.

Our chances were fantastic of winning half of a car. Winning became a possibility now. We had a 1 in 5 chance.

They read off the next number - My wife. Now it was up to me.

They called the next few numbers, and I'm still in the game. They get it down to the final four, final three. final two....No Fear! (I apologize for being ridiculous)

Anyways, it was me and some other kid vying for the win. Every eye was on us. The bald salesman held the fish bowl with our two numbers. He reached his hand in and grabbed a number to eliminate. He reached and looked at the last number, the silence was deafening. I was getting my humble victory face ready. They read the number.

And the winner is.....the other guy...

I shook his hand and my wife and I walked out the door with our tails between our legs. So close but no cigar.

So there ya go. Second best. First runner up.

My wife pointed out that it is very similar to the "Deal or No Deal" saga.

So I wasn't meant to get the mazda. I wouldn't want high school guys checking me out anyways. Until I find a new-used car I will still be driving my brokedown Maroon Ford Taurus which I have affectionately named "Panthor."

The Dork Knight

Oh...Hey. How's it going?
I feel like I should apologize for not writing for a month. I feel like I'm apologizing to my journal for being so lazy all the time.
Well I have been hard at work, writing regularly and all at a new review site. You should check it out. It's pretty cool. Instead of 10 readers, the site will get 13 with my "fan" base. (singular fan)
You can find it at www.review-spew.com
So go there to find mildy funny, half-truthful reviews on everything from TV shows to Deodorant to Appetizers.

Alright, so Halloween passed a few weeks back and I regret that I didn't blog sooner because it is my favorite holiday and i have an affinity for dressing up. If I could wear a cape every day, I would. (I'm gonna be a creepy old man) My wife made the greatest costume for me. My work which is normally void of personality had a themed superhero day. I'm on the left as Batman by the way.
So pretty sweet costume I know. The other costumes are not too bad either. I was proud of my Adam West style and then I see it... I don't mean to be the biggest perv but what's up with the bat speedo? After further inspection it's apparent that there is a poorly placed shadow behind me and I am an innocent victim of trick photography.
For some reason I am sharing this with other people, why?
Well I am half black. (the lower half apparently)
I really hope my wife doesn't read this blog. (Batman fears no one but his wife)
So for all you weirdos out there, here's a full-fledged picture of Batman in all his glory. Truly it was a day that my taco stains were the least of my embarrassment. Even with embarrassing shots appearing I still think I will wear this costume every year. It's almost as good as my Alvin costume of '04. Almost. Sorry to anyone I've offended with this blog. I try to keep my blogs PG, for Pornography Guaranteed.


Caught ya!

Don't Read This...unless you think kittens are cute

Politics.
What can be more boring or more frustrating?
I am registered to vote where I used to go to college. I really have been meaning to register a little closer to home. Then I see the message that completely turns me off.
I don't know if you guys have seen it, but there is a internet video where celebrities tell you "Don't vote. There's no point."
Let me tell you this you famous rich people, reverse psychology didn't work when my mom used it. It's not gonna work now! The video is about four minutes long and half the time A-listers such as; Ashton Kutcher, Dustin Hoffman, Will.i.am(wyclef jean part 2), Tobey "sorry about the last spiderman movie" mcguire, halle berry(obama's sister?) and plenty more celebs that we should love, continue to say "Don't vote, it's not like you care about your kids' education." After ranting about global warming and gay rights, they tell us that if we really did care, then why don't we vote. Leonardo "nards" Dicrapio tells us that if we were able to watch all of those overpaid hypocrites (not his words) and not register to vote, then there is nothing else that will change our minds.
Unbelievable!
Did I hear that right? Did Leo just give up on me? Have mercy Leo. I do care about the environment, how else can I drill to get gasoline?
The funny thing is that 99 percent of Hollywood are flaming liberals. The 3 conservatives out there are hiding their true selves or are already out of work at this very moment. If you have ever asked the question "Hey, whatever happened to..." Now you know the answer, they came out of the closet and declared themselves Republicans. For Shame! It's straight to DVD for them now.

Why don't these celebrities just say what is really on their minds. Don't vote... for McCain. Wouldn't they feel better if they just let it all out? Do they think that all young people are gonna vote for their candidate? That might actually be the case for college students. I could and will go on about the liberal brainwashing that takes place in our prestigious universities. For another time. 

I'm not kidding you about the crazy bias out there! I was watching "Access Hollywood." Don't tell anyone. I love my gossip. They showed a story that described "At home with the Obamas." The future first family is seen laughing and kidding around, and Billy Bush is yukking it up while licking Obama's shoes. The next second they show a preview which says "Coming up next, we look at Sarah Palin and the lies you have never heard." Of course they show the absolute worst picture of Palin they can(one that looks like me in the morning). 

Back to the celebrity video. I would not have been surprised to hear when it finally ends. "My name is Barack Obama and I approve this message."

I'm calling you out movie stars. You get ten million bucks a movie. What are you doing? (besides fundraisers for hurricane Katrina. i.e. Bush's fault) Why aren't you giving at least half of your salary to us middle classers you so strongly plead to? I'm sure charities wouldn't mind if you gave up your salary you received for "I am sam." By the way, you are not the biggest humanitarian if you illegally adopt 17 babies from third world countries.

I would like to apologize to my 4 readers for my ranting. I just have so many questions.

Why are movies so good but celebrities such morons?

Who are these closet-conservative celebrities? 

- I'm thinking Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford, and possibly Keanu Reeves. Keep it in the closet guys.

Is there one joke in this blog?

Anyways, I'm gonna take Sarah Silverman's advice and not register.

I don't mind being a sloth. 

School and Crossbones!

I'm back. For the most part anyways. I have been a major slacker for the past month. All this blog-sloth is due to being back in school.
College is back and ready for revenge. Thank goodness this is my last year in school. (Fingers crossed). I have been a faithful college attender for the past decade. I have given universities so much of my (and my mom's) personal money, that they are going to dedicate the new school library in my name. If we want to break it down: I was a college freshman for 2 years, a sophomore for 4 years, a junior for 2 years, and this year will finish my second year as a Senior. Three words: Ten Year Plan. You got it. Ten years from high school graduation to my college graduation. I'm not saying I'm an overachiever, but being able to accomplish something normal people do in 4 years in ten years makes me pretty special.
So let's talk about this. Where does all the money for Tuition and books and parking tickets go? People are in arms about gas prices, when universities are the real greed terrorists. Why does it cost 500-600 dollars for every class? If you do the math, let's say there are 30 students in one class that they paid 500 for. That is $15,000 just for that class! And these professors teach that class probably 4 times in that semester. How much are these universities skimming off the top.
Secondly- Bend over kids, its time to go to the bookstore and get all the essential textbooks for class! For a book that is the equivalent size of 3 magazines - $148. And that's used! How can it possibly cost so much for 300 pages of anything. I don't know if I would pay $148 for a gold leaf page book. Now if it were a book made out of caramel, that would be a different story. And a delicious story at that. But think to yourself, how do they get away with that? Do we all pay the exorbitant amount of money and not think we're getting duped, because if they did try to scam us, they would never be as crazy to believe we'd pay that much for a lie. But here we are, maxing out our credit cards for a book we will only use to cram for tests the night before and only be able to sell back for $26, if we can sell them back at all! (That was a long sentence)

Get this, last semester I attempted to sell a book back that I had bought for $90. This is that conversation.

Me: (smiling, hoping to get more money by doing so) Hey, how are you doing today?

Clerk girl: ... (Just stares at the book in my hands)

Me: Oh, here ya go.

Clerk girl: (Looks at her computer and clicks a few times aimlessly on her mouse)....

Me: So how's work going today?

Clerk girl: good. (is she saying that in response to my question or because the screen just told her that she owes me no money?)

Me: So what's the damage?

Clerk girl: Actually (she says with a grin) this book isn't being used anymore, and we aren't buying it back.

Me: Serious? Even after how nice I have been? Thanks anyways.

Clerk girl: But if you want to donate it to the bookstore we will take it off of your hands.

Me: Fine. I just want to get rid of it then. (I leave)

True story. And what book do I find they are using for the same class the next semester? The exact same edition I gave up for free to the deceptive clerk vixen. Bamboozled! Hey kids, don't let it happen to you. Hold on to that 17th edition of Nutrition basics, because you never know when it will get you 20 bucks in the future.