Thursday, February 12, 2009

Prick me, do I not Breed

So my wife is pregnant with our first kid. Apparently all my years of hot tubbing haven't completely sterilized me. Though I am afraid to see what it looks like. Sadly I never think babies are that cute when they are first born. They are always pink and wrinkly, just like when I get out of the hot tub. People think I'm insensitive when I say newborns are gross. Sorry people I don't love the raisin babies. Maybe I will love my own. Maybe.

Oh yeah, we're having a girl, and by "we" I mean "she." Though I might be pregnant by proxy because my belly button is becoming an outtie. Is there a correct spelling for outtie?

So now that we know the gender people come up to us all the time and ask what names we have picked out. We have a few names but my wife doesn't want people to hate on her unborn child just yet. Let's wait until at least Junior High before the criticism begins.

Speaking of baby names...
There is a girl who I work with who is pregnant. She is very sweet and innocent. Her husband on the other hand is a Warcraft lovin' Chauvanist pig J@*#off. I hope she doesn't read this. So this guy is apparently very creative and cannot wait for his son to be born so he can give him an unforgettable name. He wrote them down on a very long list for her, and she brought the list to work so we could all laugh at him. And yes, I'm gonna share the that list with you. (with some added commentary by yours truly.)

I'm not kidding you these are the actual names he wants for a son. 100% factual.

Achilles - Great place to start. He can be such a heel.
Apollo - Creed? 13? the God of Sun?
Atlas - He's got the whole world in his hands.
Atticus - So far this seems normal, if you happen to be in To Kill A Mockingbird.
Augustus - See also caesar
Beowulf - Wow! Really? The child would have legal cause to divorce his parents.
Bishop - Hi, I'm from X-men, oh wait, my dad is just a big dork.
Blade - Whether it be the Wesley Snipes character or not, it will become gay blade.
Bond - The only way the kid will like this is if he's a shaken baby, not stirred.
Bosley - The name of my dog.
Brain - Honestly? No pressure for this kid in classes. Probably not too popular with the ladies.
Brayson - The most normal, possible name of the main character in the next Final Fantasy.
Brick - And he's falling slowly.
Bronco - Please don't name your kids after your cars.
Brutus - Most likely to stab you in the back.
Caesar - Pizza, Pizza. He's a big fan of toga parties.
Constantine - Istanbul was once Constantinople...
Cosmo - Kramer. Also a possible name for a dog.
Cornelius - Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape.
Crispin - How I get my chicken sandwich cooked at Arbys.
Danger - Probably works better as a middle name.
D'artagnan - One of my favorites. How would you shorten that name? Dart?
Decimus - Plenty of greek names on the list. Or should I say geek names.
Desperado - Great, doom the kid to be lonely the rest of his life.
Deuce - Common taunts will be "Drop a deuce" or "deuce bag."
Diablo - Who doesn't want to name their kid the devil, the spanish prince of darkness.
Donatello - does machines...
Dante - Anyone who uses this should suffer in an inferno.
Ebenezer - bless you!
Fagan - Always a good idea to name your kid fag-an. No kids are gonna catch on to that.
Felix - the cat.
Gaddiel - huh?
Gaspar - double huh?
Goliath - I feel bad for this kid who might weigh 56 pounds and wear glasses.
Hannibal - Is there a good connotation for this name?
Hercules - kids at school will beat him up just to say that they beat on Hercules.
Kermit - Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...
Lair - A name that should be kept secret.
Leonardo - leads. The leader of the heroes in a half shell. Turtle power.
Lysander - My avatar name when I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There you have it. Those are the incredible names that this guy wants for his future sons. I could not come up with dorkier names if I tried. It seems that he thinks life is a video game and you can create new characters with awesome names, but the sad truth is that the kids are gonna have to live with Beowulf or Hannibal their entire lives. Cruel and Unusual. Some people should not have the ability to procreate. That list was only A-L, I can't wait to get the M-Z list.

By the way, you all should go to REVIEW SPEW for my review of He's just not that into you. I think it's funny and so should you.