Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pearls before Swine Flu

So, I know I'm three months too late to be making fun of Swine Flu. Let's just say I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon, I am actually trailing it by miles dragging my feet. I capitalize on it when it's no longer funny anymore.

I don't mean to laugh at an infirmity that people have died from but it would be sad to die from a pig disease. You know that's why they renamed it H1N1 virus. Now, that name means business. It sounds like a chemical element coined by Newton. I can see the conversation up in heaven now.

Saint Peter: Next please!...
Swine Affected Dead: Ummm...Hi, apparently I'm supposed to get passage through these golden gates.
SP: Name please?
SAD: Of course. It's...
SP: Wait was that a cough? Did the swine flu get the best of you?
SAD: Well, technically it was the H1N1 virus.
SP: Give me a break, you're not fooling anyone. You know, there's a reason we didn't allow pork in the olden days.
SAD: Well, can I come in and marvel at the glorious paradise that is prepared for me?
SP: You having swine flu changes everything. I'm gonna have to make you wait in the lobby until it passes.
SAD: That could take an eternity!
SP: Believe me, you've got time.
SAD: Come on, just give me a chance.
SP: Listen pal, the last guy we ran into with swine flu started going off about how he was legion and he ran right off a cliff.
If anyone else in line has recently been to Mexico I'm gonna have to ask you to wait in the lobby as well.

Why do we name flu viruses after animals anyways? The bird flu, the swine flu? We sure like having scapegoats to excuse our bad grooming. For the next big flu "they" (the disease naming people) should give a name with more gravity than the previous two. Something that people will absolutely fear to get.

Spider Flu

I'm going out on a limb and saying that 80% of people are afraid of spiders. This would really be a silent killer. To avoid this flu you would need to stay in well-lit places, out of musty basements. This flu originates in any dark basement where World of Warcraft is played for 21 hours of the day. Warning signs for this environment are blue-lights, blue-light posters, cheetos, iguanas, bean-bag or banana chairs, and a corner of the room dedicated to discarded Mountain Dew cans. Effects of this flu range from beady eyes and long (I'm talkin' daddy long) legs, and a large red dot on the back.

Snake Flu

Nobody likes snakes. I don't like them, nor does Indiana Jones or God. Come on, Lucifer himself was a serpent. I wouldn't put it past him to give us all snake flu. A big warning to all airline passengers out there, the snake flu has been known to take international flights. Personally I always know to look out for the Indian guy playing the flute to a basket and a floating cobra. Effects of this flu will eventually go away as your skin sheds for the first time.

Shark Flu

Way worse than the Spider or Snake flu. Avoid warm water such as tropical reefs, or kiddie pools with a high content of urine. The worst cases of this are the hammerhead shark flu or the great white shark flu. Effects are disastrous at best. Basically your skin will become sandpaper and cut anyone trying to get too close. You become very susceptible to being hit on the nose, and the worst part is that you must keep moving or face certain death.

Look for these flu viruses in the next two years. I want copyrights on all the names. Hopefully "they" don't change them to H867N5309 Flu.