Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

Mankind have battled since the beginning of time over very controversial beliefs: Religion, land, women, college rivalries, and the ultimate war between cat people and dog people. No, I'm not talking about some sci-fi world where catmen and dogmen hybrids battle to the death, though that is a great idea for my new book. I'm talking about people who love cats and people who love dogs. The only middle ground is for the weird people who are allergic to animal fur or claim to be.

I don't believe in made up statistics but I would say that dog lovers in the world outnumber cat lovers - 60% to 40%. I only think that's the case because of the high population of dog lovers in Korea. The survey didn't specify whether people loved dogs or loved to eat dogs.

You can see where I'm going with this. I refuse to call myself a cat person but I do prefer to own cats. My following arguments will biased and need to be seen as such. Though you all should know that my opinion is basically fact. And you can't have the word "FACT" without "CAT."

Don't get me wrong, I have loved dogs. My family had an Australian Shephard that was named Blue Raider. Blue for short. There are few things better than coming home from school and having the dog jump on you and welcome you home. Blue was a great dog. But Blue was a nightmare for my parents. He constantly crapped on everyone's lawn and chewed everything in sight. (I still miss my ninja turtles) It got so bad that we had to give Blue away. To a ranch, if you can believe it. (More on that in another blog.) This is the primary reason I like cats more. Cats are the Toyota Corolla of the animal world. They require absolutely no maintenance. Where as dogs are the Volvo. For anyone who wants a dog just think about a large golden retriever tongue drooling as it wants to be taken for a walk on a bitter winter night. The cat couldn't care less. All it asks is that you open the door.

Most people argue that dogs are such loving animals. I can see why they believe this falsehood. Cats are smart, like elephants, they remember everything. Dogs are stupid. If you kicked your dog in the head it would come right back to you smiling with its tongue hanging out. Some call that loyalty, I call it stupidity. Is it loyalty when an abused woman repeatedly goes back to her abusive boyfriend? No, it's stupidity. Sorry that was harsh, but do not confuse stupidity with loyalty.

The main reason I am commenting on this heated crisis is because we recently moved into a house with a small backyard. On the other side of our chain-link fence there is a large German Shephard who has apparently claimed the neighborhood as his own. He barks ALL THE TIME! He barks at us if he sees us through our back windows and even if we're in our front yard when he can't see us. Listen folks, if you're gonna own a large barking dog, go live on a farm or somewhere far from me...

If you have a rat or mouse problem, do not worry because your cat will eat all of them. What do dogs eat? Their own poo. Now that's a smart animal. Speaking of smart, what other animal tries to reproduce with your leg?

I know that by saying these things I have started a war, so let it begin...