Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Dork Knight

Oh...Hey. How's it going?
I feel like I should apologize for not writing for a month. I feel like I'm apologizing to my journal for being so lazy all the time.
Well I have been hard at work, writing regularly and all at a new review site. You should check it out. It's pretty cool. Instead of 10 readers, the site will get 13 with my "fan" base. (singular fan)
You can find it at
So go there to find mildy funny, half-truthful reviews on everything from TV shows to Deodorant to Appetizers.

Alright, so Halloween passed a few weeks back and I regret that I didn't blog sooner because it is my favorite holiday and i have an affinity for dressing up. If I could wear a cape every day, I would. (I'm gonna be a creepy old man) My wife made the greatest costume for me. My work which is normally void of personality had a themed superhero day. I'm on the left as Batman by the way.
So pretty sweet costume I know. The other costumes are not too bad either. I was proud of my Adam West style and then I see it... I don't mean to be the biggest perv but what's up with the bat speedo? After further inspection it's apparent that there is a poorly placed shadow behind me and I am an innocent victim of trick photography.
For some reason I am sharing this with other people, why?
Well I am half black. (the lower half apparently)
I really hope my wife doesn't read this blog. (Batman fears no one but his wife)
So for all you weirdos out there, here's a full-fledged picture of Batman in all his glory. Truly it was a day that my taco stains were the least of my embarrassment. Even with embarrassing shots appearing I still think I will wear this costume every year. It's almost as good as my Alvin costume of '04. Almost. Sorry to anyone I've offended with this blog. I try to keep my blogs PG, for Pornography Guaranteed.

Caught ya!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Don't Read This...unless you think kittens are cute

What can be more boring or more frustrating?
I am registered to vote where I used to go to college. I really have been meaning to register a little closer to home. Then I see the message that completely turns me off.
I don't know if you guys have seen it, but there is a internet video where celebrities tell you "Don't vote. There's no point."
Let me tell you this you famous rich people, reverse psychology didn't work when my mom used it. It's not gonna work now! The video is about four minutes long and half the time A-listers such as; Ashton Kutcher, Dustin Hoffman, jean part 2), Tobey "sorry about the last spiderman movie" mcguire, halle berry(obama's sister?) and plenty more celebs that we should love, continue to say "Don't vote, it's not like you care about your kids' education." After ranting about global warming and gay rights, they tell us that if we really did care, then why don't we vote. Leonardo "nards" Dicrapio tells us that if we were able to watch all of those overpaid hypocrites (not his words) and not register to vote, then there is nothing else that will change our minds.
Did I hear that right? Did Leo just give up on me? Have mercy Leo. I do care about the environment, how else can I drill to get gasoline?
The funny thing is that 99 percent of Hollywood are flaming liberals. The 3 conservatives out there are hiding their true selves or are already out of work at this very moment. If you have ever asked the question "Hey, whatever happened to..." Now you know the answer, they came out of the closet and declared themselves Republicans. For Shame! It's straight to DVD for them now.
Why don't these celebrities just say what is really on their minds. Don't vote... for McCain. Wouldn't they feel better if they just let it all out? Do they think that all young people are gonna vote for their candidate? That might actually be the case for college students. I could and will go on about the liberal brainwashing that takes place in our prestigious universities. For another time. 
I'm not kidding you about the crazy bias out there! I was watching "Access Hollywood." Don't tell anyone. I love my gossip. They showed a story that described "At home with the Obamas." The future first family is seen laughing and kidding around, and Billy Bush is yukking it up while licking Obama's shoes. The next second they show a preview which says "Coming up next, we look at Sarah Palin and the lies you have never heard." Of course they show the absolute worst picture of Palin they can(one that looks like me in the morning). 
Back to the celebrity video. I would not have been surprised to hear when it finally ends. "My name is Barack Obama and I approve this message."
I'm calling you out movie stars. You get ten million bucks a movie. What are you doing? (besides fundraisers for hurricane Katrina. i.e. Bush's fault) Why aren't you giving at least half of your salary to us middle classers you so strongly plead to? I'm sure charities wouldn't mind if you gave up your salary you received for "I am sam." By the way, you are not the biggest humanitarian if you illegally adopt 17 babies from third world countries.
I would like to apologize to my 4 readers for my ranting. I just have so many questions.

Why are movies so good but celebrities such morons?

Who are these closet-conservative celebrities? 
- I'm thinking Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford, and possibly Keanu Reeves. Keep it in the closet guys.

Is there one joke in this blog?

Anyways, I'm gonna take Sarah Silverman's advice and not register.
I don't mind being a sloth. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

School and Crossbones!

I'm back. For the most part anyways. I have been a major slacker for the past month. All this blog-sloth is due to being back in school.
College is back and ready for revenge. Thank goodness this is my last year in school. (Fingers crossed). I have been a faithful college attender for the past decade. I have given universities so much of my (and my mom's) personal money, that they are going to dedicate the new school library in my name. If we want to break it down: I was a college freshman for 2 years, a sophomore for 4 years, a junior for 2 years, and this year will finish my second year as a Senior. Three words: Ten Year Plan. You got it. Ten years from high school graduation to my college graduation. I'm not saying I'm an overachiever, but being able to accomplish something normal people do in 4 years in ten years makes me pretty special.
So let's talk about this. Where does all the money for Tuition and books and parking tickets go? People are in arms about gas prices, when universities are the real greed terrorists. Why does it cost 500-600 dollars for every class? If you do the math, let's say there are 30 students in one class that they paid 500 for. That is $15,000 just for that class! And these professors teach that class probably 4 times in that semester. How much are these universities skimming off the top.
Secondly- Bend over kids, its time to go to the bookstore and get all the essential textbooks for class! For a book that is the equivalent size of 3 magazines - $148. And that's used! How can it possibly cost so much for 300 pages of anything. I don't know if I would pay $148 for a gold leaf page book. Now if it were a book made out of caramel, that would be a different story. And a delicious story at that. But think to yourself, how do they get away with that? Do we all pay the exorbitant amount of money and not think we're getting duped, because if they did try to scam us, they would never be as crazy to believe we'd pay that much for a lie. But here we are, maxing out our credit cards for a book we will only use to cram for tests the night before and only be able to sell back for $26, if we can sell them back at all! (That was a long sentence)
Get this, last semester I attempted to sell a book back that I had bought for $90. This is that conversation.

Me: (smiling, hoping to get more money by doing so) Hey, how are you doing today?
Clerk girl: ... (Just stares at the book in my hands)
Me: Oh, here ya go.
Clerk girl: (Looks at her computer and clicks a few times aimlessly on her mouse)....
Me: So how's work going today?
Clerk girl: good. (is she saying that in response to my question or because the screen just told her that she owes me no money?)
Me: So what's the damage?
Clerk girl: Actually (she says with a grin) this book isn't being used anymore, and we aren't buying it back.
Me: Serious? Even after how nice I have been? Thanks anyways.
Clerk girl: But if you want to donate it to the bookstore we will take it off of your hands.
Me: Fine. I just want to get rid of it then. (I leave)

True story. And what book do I find they are using for the same class the next semester? The exact same edition I gave up for free to the deceptive clerk vixen. Bamboozled! Hey kids, don't let it happen to you. Hold on to that 17th edition of Nutrition basics, because you never know when it will get you 20 bucks in the future.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Better Dead Than Read

If you have tried watching NBC at all lately to catch the latest Conan O'Brien, or for those low-brow readers "America's Got Talent," you may have noticed multiple ethnicities swinging on bars, throwing disci (plural discuses), jumping off the high dives, etc. Yes, it's time once again for the Olympics.
I actually love watching the Olympics. They are full of broken world records and failures. Good drama. Let's not forget how great Michael Phelps has done. He has single handedly given the U.S. half of its gold medals.
So to start with my rant on the olympics, let's talk about China. So I'm not the biggest fan of China or communism, for that matter. China's lack of consideration for human life is pretty despicable. That said, they will probably be the biggest superpower in the world in the near future. Funny thing though, they have actually treated Americans pretty respectably, more so than any European(see also Euro-Trash) country would.
So China is killing the U.S. in the gold medal count, and their athletes seem invincible. I'm pretty sure they are robots who cannot be beaten. (All those robots look the same to me) Kudos to them for doing so awesome, though a part of me sees the turn of the tide from Chinese Olympic victory towards Chinese world victory. Now don't get me wrong about China. Some of the coolest things have come from there: Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Stephen Chow movies (Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer), and Bruce Lee.
Funny how all those guys are involved with Martial Arts. Funny how much I generalize.
But let's not forget China's greatest contribution to the world - Sharing! It is a little known fact that sharing was invented by the Chinese. If you are calling me crazy right now, then think of the last time you had Chinese food and shared it with your friends/family. And let's not forget that it is a communist country.

Communism = Forced Sharing

"Chinese food is the most virtuous of all foods" - Buddha

Ok, now this leads me to why I wanted to write about the Beijing Olympics in the first place. So Chinese athletes are so disciplined, often starting their olympic training at the age of 14 months, then competing at age 5 1/2. (as seen in women's gymnastics this year) Being this disciplined and having the conspiracy theory mind I have, I often think that the government has enforced them to train so rigorously. When they win the gold they are so happy in their triumphs and are rewarded for their dedication to their country. (The reward being that their family is freed and not killed) But I often look to those Chinese olympians who receive a mere silver medal. They never have a happy look on their face. Never. I have a feeling that the olympians who get a silver medal walk off the medal podium and go straight to the execution chamber. Those athletes who win bronze are slowly tortured till death. Just a crazy thought but I'm pretty sure I'm right. You can see it in their robotic faces.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Give Pizza Chance...

The world is changing. And not necessarily for the better. I don't like to complain about gas prices because it is useless to complain about things you have no control of, but the other day I was filling up my $50 plus gas tank, and the song playing on the gas station radio was Shania Twain's "Up." I kid you not. The lyrics mocked me. The song goes, "up, up, up, it only goes up from here!" Unbelievable!
So, with the world going to pot with a bad economy, rising milk prices, rising big gulp prices, etc. The one true constant in the world is...Little Caesars Pizza. For 5 dollars, you can receive a semi-fresh(by semi-fresh I mean sitting under a bug zapper for 8 1/2 hours) cheese or pepperoni pizza. What a deal!
Now I am one of the few who stands in defense of Little Caesars pizza. The opponents cry out that "it tastes like cardboard." To them I first ask how exactly they know that. Secondly, personally I would pay five dollars for a round slice of cardboard as long as it was coated with delicious marinara and pepperoni. I mean, come on people! It is a balanced, 10 slice meal for 5 bucks! A word to the wise, when ordering your pizza make friends with the cashier. Smile as you walk up to the counter, but not too much, you don't want to creep them out. Then make a subtle jab at the person who ordered in front of you and how they wanted the freshest 4 hour old pizza and how they ordered hot wings. (In the history of man, 7 people have ordered hot wings at Little Caesars, none were satisfied) They only keep up the rest of the menu to make it look like they offer a grand selection. Truth be told, they only make cheese and pepperoni pizza, and bacon pizza if you're nice to them. Oh, and let's not forget the manna from seventh heaven, Crazy Bread. Beautiful stuff. I could never do the dearly departed Atkins diet because of my healthy doses of crazy bread. If there was a diet that consisted of only eating crazy bread I would do it in a second. I can't wait for the Fatkins diet. I digress, if you're nice to the cashier, you will get the pizza that isn't covered in Acne Juice and won't get the crazy bread that has been dropped and rolled on the ground. You can't taste the difference if you do get those, but it's worth it to believe that you received unspoiled goods.
So once again I state that in this world of uncertainty where inflation is merciless and prices for everything go up by the day, it is helpful to retreat to something that hasn't gone up in price for a decade and won't for another decade. Let's just hope that pepperoni pizza hasn't been under the zapper for a decade.

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Only Thing To Fear is... Sharks!

In honor of Shark Week on the Discovery channel, I would like to tell you all about my greatest fear - Sharks. It's a known fact that sharks are the scariest thing on this planet. They are monsters in the literal form. I honestly feel that when God decided to take monsters from the earth, he thought "Well, let's get rid of the dinosaurs, dragons, yetis,.....hmmm, I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. Ah well." Meanwhile the great white shark hid below the dark blue; laughing.
Don't get me wrong, I love the ocean. If I ever learned how to swim I might actually go out past my waist. But I know that when I die, it will be by shark attack. It's said that a person is more likely to be struck by lightning three times than be attacked by a shark. (made up statistic) Well, I have been hit by lightning twice already, so I'm not really liking my odds on the whole getting eaten alive thing. Ever since I was a kid I have feared what was waiting for me in the water. I'm not even talking about the ocean. Even in large pools I got nervous that I would be dragged under by the serrated teeth, and I would look down into the red water and see the empty dolls eyes of the beast pulling me under. The fear still follows me even in freshwater lakes. Yes, I know that great whites could not survive in fresh water, but as I fall off the dinghy and am treading water I watch for the fin rising out of the water headed in my grave direction. So, I guess you could say I'm a little paranoid.
Shark movies such as Jaws and Open Water have not helped me overcome this fear at all. Like many of you, I blame Jaws for giving birth to my fear. Maybe it's due to the fact that I watched Jaws 3 (you remember, the one at Sea World) every Saturday afternoon, though that movie is more of a comedy than the others. The worst is the time that I scuba dived in Cancun, I don't know why I agreed to do it. There is nothing comforting about being 50 feet under and knowing that the only thing keeping you alive is a breathing pattern, and plugging your nose every three feet. Add to that, you are completely surrounded by the blue unknown. Don't worry, I couldn't enjoy looking down at the coral sea life. If I wasn't getting kicked in the head by someone struggling to swim in their flippers, I was always surveying the area around me, looking for a silver point slowly coming towards me in the distance, greedily smiling, thinking to itself "Ah Major, I've been waiting for you!" Meanwhile I would have been slowly swimming to the surface as to avoid getting the bends. Fortunately I did not have such an encounter but my air tank only lasted me twenty minutes when it would last a normal non-panicking person, who wasn't breathing like darth vader, an hour. For those of you who are afraid of spiders and snakes and mock my paranoia of something that will most likely never happen, I say this, Seventy percent of the earth is water. The sharks are hungry. And if Al Bore is right about this global warming myth, then the polar ice caps are melting and you better learn how to!

Monday, July 21, 2008

...and to all a Good Knight!

Dear Diary,
The other night I went to see a movie that I have been waiting three years for. (No, not Mamma Mia, but that was incredible too) The Dark Knight finally came out and I was lucky enough to have a ticket for the midnight show. As it turns out, it was not just a private screening for me and the smelly 30 year olds who were bound to be there. Apparently the people who I detested in high school (the ones that consistently "pants'd" me, the jocks) were all there in droves. Who knew that Batman had such mass appeal. Not only that, they brought girls there too! Though I'm not sure they were big fans of the movie because all they did the whole time was talk to each other loudly (i.e. the row sitting behind me). I would not let others distract me from the prime spot from which I was enjoying the movie. Second row on an Imax screen! Things could not get better, louder, or closer than that! My neck is still sore from constantly scanning the screen and counting the moles on maggie gylenhall's face. 17, by the way. 
So, as for all the naysayers out there who didn't think a movie could possibly live up to such lofty expectations, I say "for shame!" How could you not believe in Batman. I never doubted him for a second. Apparently I'm not the only one who liked the film, I guess it made a little bit of money. Let's just hope they don't jump the shark and hurry and make another "Batman & Robin" to cash in. I don't mind waiting another three years if they take the time and effort to make such a great experience. I am patient when it comes to "geeking out." Hmmm...geeking out sounds a little like "making out." But you would be surprised that it is actually the furthest thing from it, I know I am. Though both can be considered sins if they are taken too far. But I digress...
For all who have not had the chance to witness this dark, riveting film, they should call in sick for the rest of the day (the movie is about that long) and go straight to the theater. The movie is without flaws. For some 2 1/2 hours is incredibly long, but I wish it could have gone on longer. Bale is great, and sadly gives center stage to the rest of the cast, but they do not disappoint at all. Ledger gives a performance that is unrecognizable and will haunt my dreams for years to come. Eckhart is great as Harvey Dent, who the movie centers around. If you can't tell, I guess you could say I liked the film. 
Here's a question for you diary, do you think that Bill Gates has ever wondered if he could become Batman with all the money he has. Sure he has given millions to charities, but they sound a lot like lost causes. (MS, Jerry's kids, etc.) Instead he could be fighting crime and cleaning up the streets of the panhandlers that I always give a dollar to because they give me a judgmental look and I feel guilty. (that dollar could have bought me a Big Gulp) No one would ever know that Batman was Bill Gates. I mean, look at the guy. And maybe, just maybe, if he is reading this right now and makes the ultimate choice to be the caped crusader, I would keep his secret. 
Oh by the way, the Dark Knight is just as good the second time around, and getting pants'd for the second time in a week is just as humiliating.
Major Undeclared

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Don't rain on my parade

So, yesterday was the Fourth of July. Good times had by all in a holiday full of great American traditions such as parades, bbq's, and fireworks. I tend to think of myself as very patriotic. I love the country I live in and am thankful everyday I'm not living in the 14th century in a place such as the middle east. But being so cynical I don't really get into many of the festivities. We were lucky enough to wake up earlier than reasonable and fight traffic to get to a local parade. Keep in mind that parades are clearly meant for those actually in them (their local fifteen minutes/fifteen miles per hour of fame), and for children under the age of 11. 
So, we get there and I find myself standing in the unforgiving independence day sun. I never knew the sun could be so scorching at 9 in the morning! I am standing because apparently the parade die-hards have previously placed their rows of chairs in the grass and shade three days earlier. In all my sweating shiny glory I am praying that I don't see some random acquaintance that I gratefully haven't seen since high school. Who doesn't love the game of "Hey, what'cha been up to?" and "Let me get your number and we'll have to do something." Likely story. One of the first things I notice in the parade is the constant barrage of taffy being thrown mercilessly to the awaiting throngs of children willing to shove their little sister under a float for that peppermint taffy. I couldn't help but laugh as these large groups of children are on their hands and knees to pick up taffy and they are pelted in the head by the next barrage of taffy. I swear to you that I saw at least three children fall on the ground due the "drive-by taffying." As I see this free candy being thrown I can't help but think that Taffy isn't very good. Yes, it may be a guilty pleasure much like candy corn, but it still isn't very good. So I've come to the conclusion that the only reason that Salt Water Taffy is able to stay in business is the immense sales that it receives during the 4th of July weekend. What's that you say? You have Salt Water Taffy in your cupboard months past July? Yes, those are remaining uneaten taffy left over from the 4th. Another thing that makes me laugh inside are when floats drive by and no one is really clapping or waving from the sides of the parade anymore, but somebody in the crowd feels pity for those driving by staring awkwardly and they cheer and clap too loudly, but it is all for not, because they are still the only ones clapping, but at least they get waved at. For example, I live in a predominantly LDS community, and there were a few floats/trucks with banners from the Episcopal and Lutheran churches. The silence was deafening. I felt so bad that these people were getting no love and almost, I say almost, brought my hands to a clap, but thankfully a larger woman on a rascal with her own collection of taffy in her basket, presumably a member of that faith, clapped first and took a fraction of the tension away. Ha, classic. And let's not forget the 29 year old guy, you know the one, he played a lot of hacky sack in high school, who has the unusual talents of riding ten feet high unicycle and can juggle flaming bowling pins at the same time. He was there too, clown nose and all. When else would he be able to use his skills if there were not an Independence Day Parade. God Bless America!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Ice to meet you...

So, I just got tickets to The Dark Knight for the midnight show the night before it releases. I try not to "nerd out" too much, but for an even such as this, it's hard not to pull out the second-hand faded Batman shirt I bought my sophomore year in high school (which didn't fit even then) and wear it every day in anticipation. I have a feeling that it could beat out my favorite movie "Bring it on" and take its rightful place at the top. Though, as I think of how great this movie could be and Batman Begins was, I think of Batman's tarnished past. The atrocities that were Batman Forever & especially Batman and Robin.
Batman and Robin was amazingly terrible. And not even entertaining terrible. Awful cast, awful costumes, and an awful disservice to Batman himself. First off, George "Bobble Head" Clooney as Batman? Come on! Yeah I guess the ladies like him, but I'm pretty sure Batman movies are not being marketed to any demographic other than the 13-48 year old, cheeto eatin', profusive sweatin', halo playin' geeks. Now, don't get me wrong about Arnold Swarzennegger, I love the guy, he's pretty hilarious(see also 'punching a camel in Conan the Barbarian'). And yes, I love puns, in fact I think it's a dying art. So you think throwing those two in that cinematic blender would be stuff of legend, but sadly Arnie playing Mr. Freeze is dreadful. Though, I do giggle like a school girl when I hear him say "Cool party." and "Chill out." Comic gold! As for the costumes, since when does the dark knight need rubber nipples on his outfit? Do they invoke fear among criminals? Possibly they give him better aerodynamics, while gliding to save gay robin.
Batman is the coolest comic book character ever. It's rumored that he even beat Chuck Norris in a fight. It is a good thing that the recent movies have kept a darker tone, no need for the flourescent lights and glow-stick raver bummers(see also gays) in the previously mentioned Batman movies.
I could probably go on about this for a while, but it seems I've already outed myself as King Dork, so if you'll excuse me I'm gonna be wiping cheeto crumbs from my keyboard.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Twilight's Last Glare

I have noticed an unfortunate trend in the battle of the sexes lately. Women, who, in time, learn to live a complacent life with their lazy, unaware husbands/boyfriends have learned that apparently they are living with non-romantic slobs. They have found the object of their affection in a fictional character. Women have been doing this throughout time; Romeo, Fabio, Mr. Darcy, and now Edward. Edward is the vampire who has all the right moves in the Twilight series of books and forthcoming films. Women of all ages, from 12 to married 42 year olds have been swooned by "the perfect man." Keep in mind that he is like 118 and the girl in the book is 16. Hmmm... I'm pretty sure pedophilia is illegal even if you're immortal. The main draw for women is the passion that Edward feels for Bella. First he wants to kill her, then he wants to love her. Let's not forget that he watches her sleep. Is that romantic? Last time I did that I was arrested and spent a week in jail. I can see how women love that Edward is always thinking of Bella and caresses her face and whispers sweet nothings in the meadow. I got news for ya ladies, you're gonna have to take a trip to transylvania for that kind of guy. 
Every girl who I have talked to who has read the book (all girls), have told me that while they were reading the books they hated their husbands because Edward made them see just how they want to be treated. I would not be surprised if Twilight is reported to be the main cause of divorce next year, beating out financial problems. Now if you'll excuse me I am gluing crystals onto my face so I can walk out in the sun and the women will desire me as they do Edward...or at least Fabio.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

You can't handle the Tooth!

I'm sure I'm the 497th person to complain about this but let me share with you, for a moment, my thoughts on people with the lovely decoration of the bluetooth covering their ear. Few inventions in the world have made people look more crazy and more arrogant. (except for maybe those stupid scooters that GOB rides around in Arrested Development) It has never been socially accepted for people to be seen talking to themselves. Do it in your own house, fine - we all do; but in public? For shame! Well apparently there is not a social stigma about it anymore, because if you do see someone on the side of the road, flinging their arms around and blabbing to themselves, there is a good chance that that hobo got a new bluetooth, paid for by their welfare check. The most annoying thing is when people who don't get calls constantly wear their bluetooth nonetheless. Maybe in hopes that if they wear it, their friends/drug dealers will give them a ring. I had a class with a kid who knew very well that you can't answer your phone in class, yet he wore that blasted tooth every day, like it was a fashion accessory or something. Listen people, it's not like a bluetooth is a new pair of Girbauds or anything. (1994 shoutout) Often at work I will approach a customer to help them, and they will say "Hey, how's it going man?!" To that I will be surprised by their friendliness and respond, "Pretty good, thanks!" They then look at me like I'm the crazy person and carry on the conversation they were starting by asking the person on the phone how it's going. So apparently I'm the one talking to myself. Just Great! Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a call on my hands-free ear phone.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Seeing Red!

Let me say this first. I am as cheap as they come. For those of you with dirty minds, clean 'em up right now. I mean monetarily, not physically. (though this one time at band camp...) If I can save a few dollars and sacrifice quality, I most likely will. Though trying to save money can be more trouble than it's worth. I regret calling myself a frequent visitor to the video rental kiosk located at your nearest Mcdonald's called redbox. For those of you who may be uninformed(see also ignorant), redbox is a a dvd vending machine that lets you rent a movie for one day for only a dollar. What a deal, right? It would be if normal, well-groomed people with an ounce of common sense used it.

Because a great majority of people in this world are dim-witted, and cannot deal well in social situations, the redbox is perfect for them. The draw for these "redbox regulars" is the simple fact of having absolutely no face-to-face interaction with anyone, especially if it means going to blockbuster and being helped by an acne-ridden sixteen year old or a 37 year old film buff who owns all of the original star wars action figures in their original packaging. But I digress, one of the many problems with these redbox regulars is when a normal person such as I stand behind them to return a movie. All I need to do is return the movie in the slot and I can be on my way, well apparently the person standing in front of me has never heard of any movies, because they are looking closely at every cover and clicking on them to read the plot summary. Unbelievable! Seriously! Just because "There will be blood" is titled as such, does not mean it's the soft-core horror movie they were hoping to rent tonight. As if looking through every plot summary is bad enough, they then have to slide their overdrawn credit card and input their email. (i.e. Keep in mind, these people are the ones standing in front of you at sam's club buying wine in a box and a case of Heineken, sliding their card wrong seven times in a row. So after all the choosing the movie and inputting all their "stolen" information, they finally get their movie and I breathe a sigh of relief and start shuffling forward to take my rightful spot, but NO, they have decided they want another movie and start the process again. You may think I am kidding but it took me twenty minutes to RETURN a movie yesterday! Twenty minutes! As a disclaimer, yes, i know it's my fault for frequenting redbox but what can I say, I'm cheap.