Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Better Dead Than Read

If you have tried watching NBC at all lately to catch the latest Conan O'Brien, or for those low-brow readers "America's Got Talent," you may have noticed multiple ethnicities swinging on bars, throwing disci (plural discuses), jumping off the high dives, etc. Yes, it's time once again for the Olympics.
I actually love watching the Olympics. They are full of broken world records and failures. Good drama. Let's not forget how great Michael Phelps has done. He has single handedly given the U.S. half of its gold medals.
So to start with my rant on the olympics, let's talk about China. So I'm not the biggest fan of China or communism, for that matter. China's lack of consideration for human life is pretty despicable. That said, they will probably be the biggest superpower in the world in the near future. Funny thing though, they have actually treated Americans pretty respectably, more so than any European(see also Euro-Trash) country would.
So China is killing the U.S. in the gold medal count, and their athletes seem invincible. I'm pretty sure they are robots who cannot be beaten. (All those robots look the same to me) Kudos to them for doing so awesome, though a part of me sees the turn of the tide from Chinese Olympic victory towards Chinese world victory. Now don't get me wrong about China. Some of the coolest things have come from there: Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Stephen Chow movies (Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer), and Bruce Lee.
Funny how all those guys are involved with Martial Arts. Funny how much I generalize.
But let's not forget China's greatest contribution to the world - Sharing! It is a little known fact that sharing was invented by the Chinese. If you are calling me crazy right now, then think of the last time you had Chinese food and shared it with your friends/family. And let's not forget that it is a communist country.

Communism = Forced Sharing

"Chinese food is the most virtuous of all foods" - Buddha

Ok, now this leads me to why I wanted to write about the Beijing Olympics in the first place. So Chinese athletes are so disciplined, often starting their olympic training at the age of 14 months, then competing at age 5 1/2. (as seen in women's gymnastics this year) Being this disciplined and having the conspiracy theory mind I have, I often think that the government has enforced them to train so rigorously. When they win the gold they are so happy in their triumphs and are rewarded for their dedication to their country. (The reward being that their family is freed and not killed) But I often look to those Chinese olympians who receive a mere silver medal. They never have a happy look on their face. Never. I have a feeling that the olympians who get a silver medal walk off the medal podium and go straight to the execution chamber. Those athletes who win bronze are slowly tortured till death. Just a crazy thought but I'm pretty sure I'm right. You can see it in their robotic faces.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Give Pizza Chance...

The world is changing. And not necessarily for the better. I don't like to complain about gas prices because it is useless to complain about things you have no control of, but the other day I was filling up my $50 plus gas tank, and the song playing on the gas station radio was Shania Twain's "Up." I kid you not. The lyrics mocked me. The song goes, "up, up, up, it only goes up from here!" Unbelievable!
So, with the world going to pot with a bad economy, rising milk prices, rising big gulp prices, etc. The one true constant in the world is...Little Caesars Pizza. For 5 dollars, you can receive a semi-fresh(by semi-fresh I mean sitting under a bug zapper for 8 1/2 hours) cheese or pepperoni pizza. What a deal!
Now I am one of the few who stands in defense of Little Caesars pizza. The opponents cry out that "it tastes like cardboard." To them I first ask how exactly they know that. Secondly, personally I would pay five dollars for a round slice of cardboard as long as it was coated with delicious marinara and pepperoni. I mean, come on people! It is a balanced, 10 slice meal for 5 bucks! A word to the wise, when ordering your pizza make friends with the cashier. Smile as you walk up to the counter, but not too much, you don't want to creep them out. Then make a subtle jab at the person who ordered in front of you and how they wanted the freshest 4 hour old pizza and how they ordered hot wings. (In the history of man, 7 people have ordered hot wings at Little Caesars, none were satisfied) They only keep up the rest of the menu to make it look like they offer a grand selection. Truth be told, they only make cheese and pepperoni pizza, and bacon pizza if you're nice to them. Oh, and let's not forget the manna from seventh heaven, Crazy Bread. Beautiful stuff. I could never do the dearly departed Atkins diet because of my healthy doses of crazy bread. If there was a diet that consisted of only eating crazy bread I would do it in a second. I can't wait for the Fatkins diet. I digress, if you're nice to the cashier, you will get the pizza that isn't covered in Acne Juice and won't get the crazy bread that has been dropped and rolled on the ground. You can't taste the difference if you do get those, but it's worth it to believe that you received unspoiled goods.
So once again I state that in this world of uncertainty where inflation is merciless and prices for everything go up by the day, it is helpful to retreat to something that hasn't gone up in price for a decade and won't for another decade. Let's just hope that pepperoni pizza hasn't been under the zapper for a decade.