Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Twilight's Last Glare

I have noticed an unfortunate trend in the battle of the sexes lately. Women, who, in time, learn to live a complacent life with their lazy, unaware husbands/boyfriends have learned that apparently they are living with non-romantic slobs. They have found the object of their affection in a fictional character. Women have been doing this throughout time; Romeo, Fabio, Mr. Darcy, and now Edward. Edward is the vampire who has all the right moves in the Twilight series of books and forthcoming films. Women of all ages, from 12 to married 42 year olds have been swooned by "the perfect man." Keep in mind that he is like 118 and the girl in the book is 16. Hmmm... I'm pretty sure pedophilia is illegal even if you're immortal. The main draw for women is the passion that Edward feels for Bella. First he wants to kill her, then he wants to love her. Let's not forget that he watches her sleep. Is that romantic? Last time I did that I was arrested and spent a week in jail. I can see how women love that Edward is always thinking of Bella and caresses her face and whispers sweet nothings in the meadow. I got news for ya ladies, you're gonna have to take a trip to transylvania for that kind of guy. 
Every girl who I have talked to who has read the book (all girls), have told me that while they were reading the books they hated their husbands because Edward made them see just how they want to be treated. I would not be surprised if Twilight is reported to be the main cause of divorce next year, beating out financial problems. Now if you'll excuse me I am gluing crystals onto my face so I can walk out in the sun and the women will desire me as they do Edward...or at least Fabio.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

You can't handle the Tooth!

I'm sure I'm the 497th person to complain about this but let me share with you, for a moment, my thoughts on people with the lovely decoration of the bluetooth covering their ear. Few inventions in the world have made people look more crazy and more arrogant. (except for maybe those stupid scooters that GOB rides around in Arrested Development) It has never been socially accepted for people to be seen talking to themselves. Do it in your own house, fine - we all do; but in public? For shame! Well apparently there is not a social stigma about it anymore, because if you do see someone on the side of the road, flinging their arms around and blabbing to themselves, there is a good chance that that hobo got a new bluetooth, paid for by their welfare check. The most annoying thing is when people who don't get calls constantly wear their bluetooth nonetheless. Maybe in hopes that if they wear it, their friends/drug dealers will give them a ring. I had a class with a kid who knew very well that you can't answer your phone in class, yet he wore that blasted tooth every day, like it was a fashion accessory or something. Listen people, it's not like a bluetooth is a new pair of Girbauds or anything. (1994 shoutout) Often at work I will approach a customer to help them, and they will say "Hey, how's it going man?!" To that I will be surprised by their friendliness and respond, "Pretty good, thanks!" They then look at me like I'm the crazy person and carry on the conversation they were starting by asking the person on the phone how it's going. So apparently I'm the one talking to myself. Just Great! Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a call on my hands-free ear phone.