Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

Mankind have battled since the beginning of time over very controversial beliefs: Religion, land, women, college rivalries, and the ultimate war between cat people and dog people. No, I'm not talking about some sci-fi world where catmen and dogmen hybrids battle to the death, though that is a great idea for my new book. I'm talking about people who love cats and people who love dogs. The only middle ground is for the weird people who are allergic to animal fur or claim to be.

I don't believe in made up statistics but I would say that dog lovers in the world outnumber cat lovers - 60% to 40%. I only think that's the case because of the high population of dog lovers in Korea. The survey didn't specify whether people loved dogs or loved to eat dogs.

You can see where I'm going with this. I refuse to call myself a cat person but I do prefer to own cats. My following arguments will biased and need to be seen as such. Though you all should know that my opinion is basically fact. And you can't have the word "FACT" without "CAT."

Don't get me wrong, I have loved dogs. My family had an Australian Shephard that was named Blue Raider. Blue for short. There are few things better than coming home from school and having the dog jump on you and welcome you home. Blue was a great dog. But Blue was a nightmare for my parents. He constantly crapped on everyone's lawn and chewed everything in sight. (I still miss my ninja turtles) It got so bad that we had to give Blue away. To a ranch, if you can believe it. (More on that in another blog.) This is the primary reason I like cats more. Cats are the Toyota Corolla of the animal world. They require absolutely no maintenance. Where as dogs are the Volvo. For anyone who wants a dog just think about a large golden retriever tongue drooling as it wants to be taken for a walk on a bitter winter night. The cat couldn't care less. All it asks is that you open the door.

Most people argue that dogs are such loving animals. I can see why they believe this falsehood. Cats are smart, like elephants, they remember everything. Dogs are stupid. If you kicked your dog in the head it would come right back to you smiling with its tongue hanging out. Some call that loyalty, I call it stupidity. Is it loyalty when an abused woman repeatedly goes back to her abusive boyfriend? No, it's stupidity. Sorry that was harsh, but do not confuse stupidity with loyalty.

The main reason I am commenting on this heated crisis is because we recently moved into a house with a small backyard. On the other side of our chain-link fence there is a large German Shephard who has apparently claimed the neighborhood as his own. He barks ALL THE TIME! He barks at us if he sees us through our back windows and even if we're in our front yard when he can't see us. Listen folks, if you're gonna own a large barking dog, go live on a farm or somewhere far from me...

If you have a rat or mouse problem, do not worry because your cat will eat all of them. What do dogs eat? Their own poo. Now that's a smart animal. Speaking of smart, what other animal tries to reproduce with your leg?

I know that by saying these things I have started a war, so let it begin...

Friday, October 9, 2009

Big Brother is Watching

Now I don't normally do this, and I don't think this blog will become a political one but something has to be said.

Enough is enough. This is getting silly.

Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Excuse me? He won the what? I expected him to win an Emmy for his many TV appearances, but a Nobel peace prize?! Not that I had much respect for a prize that was rewarded to Al Gore for scaring the locals with global warming, but to a man that has done absolutely nothing in his political career to warrant a flippin' peace prize, I don't get it. Perhaps they should rename it to Nobel pop culture award.

Did the brains in Oslo think "Chicago didn't get the Olympics?! Are you kidding me? Even with Obama, Michelle, and Oprah making the special trip? Unbelievable. We will have to give Barack an award to make up for Copenhagen's folly..." Actually that doesn't sound too far off.

I'm starting to think I deserve a nobel peace prize (I now lowercase the title because it's meaningless). Hey Oslo, last week I opened the door for numerous senior citizens and even let an elderly woman butt in front of me at Walmart.

I know it's kinda ridiculous to be complaining about this when so much harm has been done to this great United States of America. Maybe it's because I was too lazy to blog when he called me a right wing extremist, all because I believe in traditional family values and the value of hard work and independence. Also, I watched and am currently watching a congress who does not have their constituents' interest in mind, try to force-feed a socialized health care bill through and be so unapologetic.

When you look at the nobel prize winning presidents, you shouldn't be too surprised by the most recent victor. Four presidents have received it: Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Jimmy Carter, and now the president of 9 months, Barack Obama. All progressives.

I guess when you go to Europe and apologize for everything America has done wrong, they feel they should give you some sort of award. Why not a BAFTA? (British Academy of Film and Television Arts)

I honestly think he only won because the world sees him as the one who kicked out George W Bush. I'm actually starting to wonder if he bribed the nobel judges with baskets of DVD's or iPods filled with his speeches.

P.S. Will someone tell me what I should be for Halloween...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pearls before Swine Flu

So, I know I'm three months too late to be making fun of Swine Flu. Let's just say I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon, I am actually trailing it by miles dragging my feet. I capitalize on it when it's no longer funny anymore.

I don't mean to laugh at an infirmity that people have died from but it would be sad to die from a pig disease. You know that's why they renamed it H1N1 virus. Now, that name means business. It sounds like a chemical element coined by Newton. I can see the conversation up in heaven now.

Saint Peter: Next please!...
Swine Affected Dead: Ummm...Hi, apparently I'm supposed to get passage through these golden gates.
SP: Name please?
SAD: Of course. It's...
SP: Wait was that a cough? Did the swine flu get the best of you?
SAD: Well, technically it was the H1N1 virus.
SP: Give me a break, you're not fooling anyone. You know, there's a reason we didn't allow pork in the olden days.
SAD: Well, can I come in and marvel at the glorious paradise that is prepared for me?
SP: You having swine flu changes everything. I'm gonna have to make you wait in the lobby until it passes.
SAD: That could take an eternity!
SP: Believe me, you've got time.
SAD: Come on, just give me a chance.
SP: Listen pal, the last guy we ran into with swine flu started going off about how he was legion and he ran right off a cliff.
If anyone else in line has recently been to Mexico I'm gonna have to ask you to wait in the lobby as well.

Why do we name flu viruses after animals anyways? The bird flu, the swine flu? We sure like having scapegoats to excuse our bad grooming. For the next big flu "they" (the disease naming people) should give a name with more gravity than the previous two. Something that people will absolutely fear to get.

Spider Flu

I'm going out on a limb and saying that 80% of people are afraid of spiders. This would really be a silent killer. To avoid this flu you would need to stay in well-lit places, out of musty basements. This flu originates in any dark basement where World of Warcraft is played for 21 hours of the day. Warning signs for this environment are blue-lights, blue-light posters, cheetos, iguanas, bean-bag or banana chairs, and a corner of the room dedicated to discarded Mountain Dew cans. Effects of this flu range from beady eyes and long (I'm talkin' daddy long) legs, and a large red dot on the back.

Snake Flu

Nobody likes snakes. I don't like them, nor does Indiana Jones or God. Come on, Lucifer himself was a serpent. I wouldn't put it past him to give us all snake flu. A big warning to all airline passengers out there, the snake flu has been known to take international flights. Personally I always know to look out for the Indian guy playing the flute to a basket and a floating cobra. Effects of this flu will eventually go away as your skin sheds for the first time.

Shark Flu

Way worse than the Spider or Snake flu. Avoid warm water such as tropical reefs, or kiddie pools with a high content of urine. The worst cases of this are the hammerhead shark flu or the great white shark flu. Effects are disastrous at best. Basically your skin will become sandpaper and cut anyone trying to get too close. You become very susceptible to being hit on the nose, and the worst part is that you must keep moving or face certain death.

Look for these flu viruses in the next two years. I want copyrights on all the names. Hopefully "they" don't change them to H867N5309 Flu.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

A Rose by any other name...

So the baby is gonna be here in two very short months. Am I ready? Heavens no! Am I excited? Hell yes! I don't think I'm gonna be ready for the responsibility that awaits me. First off I can't stand the sound of crying. Something about it rubs me the wrong way. Also I'm not the biggest fan of touching poop. Apparently touching poo is a large part of the job of parenting. Also, anyone who knows me knows that I treasure sleep above all else. (If I were Hindu and could be something in my next life, I would be a house cat. Come on! They can sleep 20 hours of the day!) I've heard rumors that babies like to wake up every two hours at night and in turn wake you up. I guess they get hungry or something. Pretty inconsiderate.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I got a new list for baby names. It's from that girl I work with. They are having a girl, thank goodness! See my list of boy names two posts down to find what misfortunes their child would endure. I will say that I'm disappointed in her husband's efforts this time around. It's like he blew his creativity on the first list. Though this list is still pretty fantastic.

I will keep you in suspense no longer.

Aphrodite - The goddess of love, lust, and passion. Good luck spelling this one little girl. Afrodytee maybe?
Athena - Goddess of war. I'm sure she'll be a perfect little calm angel.
Calypso - Wikipedia says calypso is a greek sea nymph, a marvel comics character, and a video game character. That's the triple threat. Why wouldn't he use that name?
Caprice - Like I said before, don't name your kid after your car, especially if it's a mediocre car.
Cassiopeia - Why not just kill the opeia at the end and make it cassie? Though Jenniferopeia has a nice ring to it.
Katriana - Not bad. Though she is bound by law to be a olympic figure skater.
Jasmine - I can show you the world.
Monet - Always make a good impression... get it? impressionism?
Lyla - Got me on my knees lyla.
Maelie - Unique and different, but different is not always good.
Aida - Turns out the dad is not only a huge mythology geek but also loves broadway. Total package!
Serendipity - I've got a good idea, let's give our daughter a name with five syllables!
Sonora - What people with sleep apnea do.
Eliana - Named after Elian Gonzalez, that cuban kid who was rescued from the closet.
Cinderella - Someday her prince Charming will come. Until then she will work as a slave and talk to mice.
Trinity - There is no spoon?
Scarlett - Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Minka - What crazy PETA fans throw red paint on.
Cleopatra - Were you starting to think the names were getting too normal? There have only been two Cleopatra's in history. The queen who killed herself with an asp bite and Miss Cleo, the psychic. It's a win win name for sure.

By the way, I wanna say how hard I worked to get this list of names. The other list was easy, he wrote them all down. This time around there was no copied page. She read the names off of a text he gave her. I did my best to remember all of them. Then when she told someone else at work I got on my computer and typed as fast as she was saying the names. It's possible I might have missed some classic names such as Esmerelda, Jezebel, or Cornucopia.

Hey to all my 5 readers out there! If you like movies and like the sound of my voice (who doesn't), then you need to subscribe to my movie podcast on either iTunes or our website Showtime Showdown. This next week we are doing a massive summer movie preview. It'll be great and if it's not it has a money back guarantee!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Bad Car-ma

Shopping for a car sucks. Yes I know I've already covered this fact, but let me reiterate, it really sucks.

For some reason it was taking my wife and I two months to find a reasonably priced used car that wasn't a PT cruiser. We were desperate but not that desperate.

After giving up the search 13 or 14 times, a miracle happened. I'll give ya some background: We had seen a Malibu Maxx hatchback at a dealership at the beginning our our searching. It was $10,000. Too much for my 1/4 jewish blood. After leaving, I called and offered $9,000. They told me they'd get back to me. Then I received a text from them telling me that they had great news! The text said they will do it for 9,250 and they'll even fill up the gas tank and change the oil!!! Oh happy day! I should really be praising the used car lords for these bounteous gifts!

But something about receiving a text from some slimeball younger than me who wasn't willing to negotiate price rubbed me the wrong way. So I decided that I wasn't willing to buy from Murdock Chevrolet. The search continued...

Two months of dishonest people later and my wife calls me and tells me that the very same Malibu Maxx we offered 9000 for was now being sold for 7400 at the very same dealership. I swallowed my pride and called them up. This is how it went.

Smarmy Salesman: Thanks for calling Murdock Chevrolet where UR the heart of our business, the home of no regrets and honest service! How can I best help you?
Me: Hey I'm calling about the malibu maxx. I actually offered 9000 for it a few months ago and i see it went down in price significantly.
SS: Oh, we'd certainly take 9000 for it now!
Me: I'm sure you would. Anyways, I guess I'm pretty serious about getting a car...
SS: Great! Come on in and I'll get the papers ready!
Me: The only thing is, I want it for 7000... (voice cracking)
SS: Well we are already losing on it...I'm not sure if we can go down any further.
Me: It seems that you've been willing to drop the price already, let's see how much further you can go. (false confidence is prominent at this point)
SS: I'll call you back.

So he calls me back and says for 7200 they can do it. I say "Deal!" I'll be by tonight to sign the papers. I then call my wife telling her the good news and she is pumped. After watching American Idol (shameful) I go to pick up our new car. Before I go i clean out my 1996 Maroon Ford Taurus hoping to get a good trade-in value for it.

I get there and the manager greets me and I give him the low down and he offers me 500 bucks for the Taurus! I'm alright with that. It was either that or donate it to a demolition derby. Then my cheesy salesman I spoke with on the phone came over and said "Well we were gonna pull the car up but someone is buying it right now."

WHAT THE F.........

Yeah, so he tells me that some people came in a half hour ago and are signing the papers now. You have got to be kidding me! Unbelievable! Apparently me calling and saying I'm going to buy it is null and void. They said they will call one of their other dealers and try to get the same car for the same price and call me tomorrow. I left their dealership with basically a check in my pocket and no car I was willing to buy.

They never called. When I called them, they said getting another similar car for that price is unthinkable. Then they tried to sell me other cars. See ya later Murdock. Poor poor job.Now for some great news...We ended up going elsewhere and finding a cool Suzuki XL7! It's awesome. It's too bad that my wife gets to drive it and not me.

P.S. The girl at my work isn't having a boy as previously thought. She's having a girl and she informs me that her husband is working on a list of girl's names. So get ready for another great list. I'll let you in on this little teaser...the best name of the lot is "Trinity." Yep, this'll be fun.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Prick me, do I not Breed

So my wife is pregnant with our first kid. Apparently all my years of hot tubbing haven't completely sterilized me. Though I am afraid to see what it looks like. Sadly I never think babies are that cute when they are first born. They are always pink and wrinkly, just like when I get out of the hot tub. People think I'm insensitive when I say newborns are gross. Sorry people I don't love the raisin babies. Maybe I will love my own. Maybe.

Oh yeah, we're having a girl, and by "we" I mean "she." Though I might be pregnant by proxy because my belly button is becoming an outtie. Is there a correct spelling for outtie?

So now that we know the gender people come up to us all the time and ask what names we have picked out. We have a few names but my wife doesn't want people to hate on her unborn child just yet. Let's wait until at least Junior High before the criticism begins.

Speaking of baby names...
There is a girl who I work with who is pregnant. She is very sweet and innocent. Her husband on the other hand is a Warcraft lovin' Chauvanist pig J@*#off. I hope she doesn't read this. So this guy is apparently very creative and cannot wait for his son to be born so he can give him an unforgettable name. He wrote them down on a very long list for her, and she brought the list to work so we could all laugh at him. And yes, I'm gonna share the that list with you. (with some added commentary by yours truly.)

I'm not kidding you these are the actual names he wants for a son. 100% factual.

Achilles - Great place to start. He can be such a heel.
Apollo - Creed? 13? the God of Sun?
Atlas - He's got the whole world in his hands.
Atticus - So far this seems normal, if you happen to be in To Kill A Mockingbird.
Augustus - See also caesar
Beowulf - Wow! Really? The child would have legal cause to divorce his parents.
Bishop - Hi, I'm from X-men, oh wait, my dad is just a big dork.
Blade - Whether it be the Wesley Snipes character or not, it will become gay blade.
Bond - The only way the kid will like this is if he's a shaken baby, not stirred.
Bosley - The name of my dog.
Brain - Honestly? No pressure for this kid in classes. Probably not too popular with the ladies.
Brayson - The most normal, possible name of the main character in the next Final Fantasy.
Brick - And he's falling slowly.
Bronco - Please don't name your kids after your cars.
Brutus - Most likely to stab you in the back.
Caesar - Pizza, Pizza. He's a big fan of toga parties.
Constantine - Istanbul was once Constantinople...
Cosmo - Kramer. Also a possible name for a dog.
Cornelius - Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape.
Crispin - How I get my chicken sandwich cooked at Arbys.
Danger - Probably works better as a middle name.
D'artagnan - One of my favorites. How would you shorten that name? Dart?
Decimus - Plenty of greek names on the list. Or should I say geek names.
Desperado - Great, doom the kid to be lonely the rest of his life.
Deuce - Common taunts will be "Drop a deuce" or "deuce bag."
Diablo - Who doesn't want to name their kid the devil, the spanish prince of darkness.
Donatello - does machines...
Dante - Anyone who uses this should suffer in an inferno.
Ebenezer - bless you!
Fagan - Always a good idea to name your kid fag-an. No kids are gonna catch on to that.
Felix - the cat.
Gaddiel - huh?
Gaspar - double huh?
Goliath - I feel bad for this kid who might weigh 56 pounds and wear glasses.
Hannibal - Is there a good connotation for this name?
Hercules - kids at school will beat him up just to say that they beat on Hercules.
Kermit - Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection...
Lair - A name that should be kept secret.
Leonardo - leads. The leader of the heroes in a half shell. Turtle power.
Lysander - My avatar name when I play Dungeons and Dragons.

There you have it. Those are the incredible names that this guy wants for his future sons. I could not come up with dorkier names if I tried. It seems that he thinks life is a video game and you can create new characters with awesome names, but the sad truth is that the kids are gonna have to live with Beowulf or Hannibal their entire lives. Cruel and Unusual. Some people should not have the ability to procreate. That list was only A-L, I can't wait to get the M-Z list.

By the way, you all should go to REVIEW SPEW for my review of He's just not that into you. I think it's funny and so should you.

Friday, January 16, 2009

First Runner Up

When I was in seventh grade "No Fear" shirts were at the height of their popularity. I think we all remember the shirts:

"The clock is counting down. You have the ball. Fast break. Three seconds left. Three point range. 3......2.......1...... No Fear!"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies. No Fear!"

But the slogan that has most resonated in my life is -
"Second place is first loser. No Fear!"

Let's just say it's a running theme with me. Actually scratch that one. Mine would say -
"Last picked in kickball means you're the catcher. No Tears!"

On to the actual story now. Well my wife and I are shopping for a used car. A pleasant experience filled with genuine salesmen. I assure you. So we have been everywhere looking for the perfect second-hand car. One place we looked was a local Mazda dealership. Turns out they were holding a drawing to get 1/2 off a new Mazda 3. Little trendy and high school looking for my taste, but I will sell out to get one half of a car for free.

The raffle began at 10 AM and went till 1 PM. With three hours to kill on a saturday morning. (I'd rather be sleeping, and yes, I can sleep till 1, don't judge me) my wife and I hung out at the Mazda lobby with about 50 other people wanting that 1/2 off.

Looking back, it doesn't really seem like Mazda was willing to give that much.

It finally came time to start the reverse raffle. (for those who don't know, it's basically last man standing) They called numbers and one by one people were eliminated. I could feel that my luck was running out fast and my number would be up. My wife, the optimist, told me to quit spreading negative vibes. (I never knew I married a hippie). People to the left and right of us were getting eliminated. They asked the last 10 remaining people to stand in a line (a shooting gallery if you will) and my wife and I were still in the running.

Our chances were fantastic of winning half of a car. Winning became a possibility now. We had a 1 in 5 chance.

They read off the next number - My wife. Now it was up to me.

They called the next few numbers, and I'm still in the game. They get it down to the final four, final three. final two....No Fear! (I apologize for being ridiculous)

Anyways, it was me and some other kid vying for the win. Every eye was on us. The bald salesman held the fish bowl with our two numbers. He reached his hand in and grabbed a number to eliminate. He reached and looked at the last number, the silence was deafening. I was getting my humble victory face ready. They read the number.

And the winner is.....the other guy...

I shook his hand and my wife and I walked out the door with our tails between our legs. So close but no cigar.

So there ya go. Second best. First runner up.

My wife pointed out that it is very similar to the "Deal or No Deal" saga.

So I wasn't meant to get the mazda. I wouldn't want high school guys checking me out anyways. Until I find a new-used car I will still be driving my brokedown Maroon Ford Taurus which I have affectionately named "Panthor."