Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

Mankind have battled since the beginning of time over very controversial beliefs: Religion, land, women, college rivalries, and the ultimate war between cat people and dog people. No, I'm not talking about some sci-fi world where catmen and dogmen hybrids battle to the death, though that is a great idea for my new book. I'm talking about people who love cats and people who love dogs. The only middle ground is for the weird people who are allergic to animal fur or claim to be.

I don't believe in made up statistics but I would say that dog lovers in the world outnumber cat lovers - 60% to 40%. I only think that's the case because of the high population of dog lovers in Korea. The survey didn't specify whether people loved dogs or loved to eat dogs.

You can see where I'm going with this. I refuse to call myself a cat person but I do prefer to own cats. My following arguments will biased and need to be seen as such. Though you all should know that my opinion is basically fact. And you can't have the word "FACT" without "CAT."

Don't get me wrong, I have loved dogs. My family had an Australian Shephard that was named Blue Raider. Blue for short. There are few things better than coming home from school and having the dog jump on you and welcome you home. Blue was a great dog. But Blue was a nightmare for my parents. He constantly crapped on everyone's lawn and chewed everything in sight. (I still miss my ninja turtles) It got so bad that we had to give Blue away. To a ranch, if you can believe it. (More on that in another blog.) This is the primary reason I like cats more. Cats are the Toyota Corolla of the animal world. They require absolutely no maintenance. Where as dogs are the Volvo. For anyone who wants a dog just think about a large golden retriever tongue drooling as it wants to be taken for a walk on a bitter winter night. The cat couldn't care less. All it asks is that you open the door.

Most people argue that dogs are such loving animals. I can see why they believe this falsehood. Cats are smart, like elephants, they remember everything. Dogs are stupid. If you kicked your dog in the head it would come right back to you smiling with its tongue hanging out. Some call that loyalty, I call it stupidity. Is it loyalty when an abused woman repeatedly goes back to her abusive boyfriend? No, it's stupidity. Sorry that was harsh, but do not confuse stupidity with loyalty.

The main reason I am commenting on this heated crisis is because we recently moved into a house with a small backyard. On the other side of our chain-link fence there is a large German Shephard who has apparently claimed the neighborhood as his own. He barks ALL THE TIME! He barks at us if he sees us through our back windows and even if we're in our front yard when he can't see us. Listen folks, if you're gonna own a large barking dog, go live on a farm or somewhere far from me...

If you have a rat or mouse problem, do not worry because your cat will eat all of them. What do dogs eat? Their own poo. Now that's a smart animal. Speaking of smart, what other animal tries to reproduce with your leg?

I know that by saying these things I have started a war, so let it begin...


Kira said...

Oh you know I agree with you! I'm just so grateful that you put my opinion so eloquently. Well done!

Joey said...

You've won Laurie's and Emily's vote. But you won't win Clayton's and his is the one that counts; not that he likes dogs, mind you.

I guess what it comes down for me is that I hate cats less than I hate dogs. I call cats disposable pets because they are so easily replaceable.

And the worst is to go visiting teaching and have either a large, slobbery dog breathing on your face or a little, yappy dog gettin' off on your leg...white dog hairs on black pants.

And why do dog owners never see the need to call of their dogs when they are breathing in your face or gettin' off on your leg?

Matt said...

NOBODY likes other people's dogs. NOBODY!!
Think about this the next time you leave your dog outside when you go to work....or the next time you take the dog for a walk and leave the "droppings" for some other soul----it just may happen that a father and his kids decide to play football in the park, and the father dives across the goal line into a splatter of doberman doo-doo. (may or may not be a personal story)

Patty Girl said...

I hate neighbors with loud, annoying dogs. And I think you know where I stand on the debate, although we have one of the most dog like cats I've ever seen. Maybe we got the best of both worlds.

claytongmackay said...

I hate them both. But well said, I hate cats less than I hate dogs.

Major Undeclared said...

Kira, change you profile picture. You have been married for what, 7 years?

Joey, you win best comment by saying gettin' off on legs. Killer stuff.

Matt, was it a large doberman? I bet the kids in that story (may or may not be your kids) could not stop laughing.

Patty, your cat is not close to a dog, It closer resembles an obese panter or perhaps a small bear cub.

Claytong, because of your comments, you will be cursed with cat footprints on your car.

Nouvelle-Orleans Pharaoh said...

Having had mission companions who have had great fears of cats or absolutely detested them, it has made me very iffy towards them.
We had this great german shepherd cross who was intelligent, loyal and territorial. The terror of our neighbourhood. His name was Michaelangelo (yes influenced TMNT times) angelo for short. We also had a dog called McGuyver. Anywho, Dogs all the way!

Sarah said...

Wow. I can't believe I only just now discovered your blog.

I had way too many experiences regarding the fragility of pet mortality when I was a kid. Something inside me died and I don't like pets at all anymore. I understand the need for other people to have pets, but I have no desire to have pets of my own.

In fact, I married Jeremiah largely because he is very allergic to pet fur (it's a real thing). :) And now, I have a son who will be marriageable material in 20+ years because he too is allergic to both cats and dogs.

Oh, and don't you love how my mom uses the phrase "gettin' off on?" I used the phrase "get your jollies" until Jeremiah told me what it meant and scolded me for using it.